Yup....
very hard to explain....am normally quite an upbeat spontaneous person but with a detached analytical view of the world and people. Even this cancer thing I've just reviewed as a problem to be solved. But I'm losing some of that detachment at times.
Probably due to the craziness of the cancer situation, (of course it is!!). I'm not quite falling into a heap and blubbing yet, but there are moments of tears and quiet reflections, this is to be expected I suppose. The worst thing though is experiencing waves of shock and awe type fear that removes all the detachment.
News yesterday, in the form of an appointment letter, that I have to go for a radiotherapy consult in Utrecht had me spinning out of control for a bit as I worked out all the worst case situations that meant. They said I wouldn't need it, that surgery was all that was required...so of course I felt that wave of fear and figured something worse was coming.
But really its just a consult..nothing more or less, I'll find out exactly what treatment is being planned on Tuesday, so no point in worrying about it. Now that my detachment is back, I can see this now.
Who knows, it might even be good news, it might be bad news, it might even be no news at all...but next time they should talk to me before making appointments.
I have to stop seeing the worst case scenario....I can't project manage my way round this with good risk assessment and contingency plans, I just have to see what the experts have to say and move forward.
Easy to say now of course....we'll see how the next panic attack handles the next bit of news.
Ahthankyew
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When I was going for all those consultation to the build up of the surgery I just embraced it all as if I was going to attack first. I don't know why but I figured its there and I have to face it no matter the implications so I just said fuck it. Or maybe it was my brains way of keeping me together.
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