100.7 :) push push

Fast days still producing results, that and a long walk last night, finally broke past 101... Sunday is also a fast day but I treat myself tonight to a steak wrap, but we will certainly break the 100 in the next day or 2.

On the flip side I've got a terrible rash from something, really driving me crazy, arms and legs including my butt are itchy and spotty and no idea why. Antihistimenes take the edge off it but not for long.. Totally horribe.

Not heard of any restrictive diets causing allergic reactions, but something has decided it hates my body and my body's taken offence... grrr.

Ahthankyew

My own fat is nourishing me,

As I kinda expected, my rapid weightloss stablised and now the loss is much slower,  from 600-700g a day its now more like 50g a day. But its still dropping, I can't quite get below the 101kg yet andI really hoped to get there this weekend, but no matter. The weekend is the main fast peoriod, so on Monday we might or might not see a decline.

Just got to avoid boozing, cos that reduces my resolve to not eat... But booze is easy to avoid... :D

What is apparent, even now is the reduction in the beer belly, and less flab around my face.. small visible changes are good to see.

Just gotta keep going, make mum happy.

Ahthankyew

Keep it going.

Midway through a 2nd weekend of near starvation fasting, but gotta say it's working well. This morning I was 101.8kg .. I can see me breaking 100 by the end of the week as long as I stay away from booze, and delicious tasty Thai pork dishes that keep getting wafted under my nose at 11pm.

Only succumbed once and starved myself the next day...Yes I know starving is a bit extreme, but honestly its all relative, I'm cutting myself back to ~1000 Kcal a day and ~500 at weekends, which is more than enough to live on, just my body is upset at the lack of 3000Kcal with occasional booze that its been storing away for years in fat. Essentially 2 small meals on weekdays, 1 small meal at weekend.. no snacks, no food after 8pm. I won't fade away. My body will stop complaining in a week or 2.

Realistically if I want to hit a target of <80kg in under a year, this is how to do it, the current fast drop will level out as my body gets used to the reduction in calories so I can see me losing 10kg pretty quick, but that extra 10kg will need a bit more effort.... time to get the bicycle out again..

Ahthankyew

Taking a moment or 2

So yesterday, was mums cremation.. Colin and I agreed it wasn't really needed for me to go there for what was a very simple understated and brief event, so I stayed in NL and went to work as normal, but I took a few moments at work to sit in the sun and remember some times from childhood and adulthood with mum. there were a lot of times where she made me laugh, cry, feel shame, pride and comfort in her advice as well as the odd points of conflict and annoyance. Mum's do that... they get to bring you down and they get to raise you up.. how you go through life then is up to you.

One of my friends at work saw me and took this pic... he made a bit of a joke about it when he sent it, but even so...I thought it hit a nail on the head. Being alone for a little while with my thoughts as mums last journey was taking place allowed a bit of closure... only a bit, it will take a long long time to come to terms with not being able to call on her no nonsense advice and sometimes absurd complaints on the irritations of life. :D

Time to sort out the bad shit in life and focus on the good.. 

Ahthankyew

A good start

After a 1st weekend of restrictive fasting and a few more days of low cal, I'm down to 102.6.

I suspect the 108 was more due to being a bit bloated from travel and the effect of pork pies, etc... but its encouraging all the same to see the numbers drop.. Hoping to see under 100 in a week or 2. That will be a big incentive.

Ahthankyew

Lets try this again...

One thing my mum did talk about at length when she was pretty lucid, was the size of my belly.... gotta be honest I didn't like it, that wasn't the last conversation I wanted to have with her, and it wasn't, but it stuck in my head.

Sadly I can't disgree with her, there's no doubt my many attempts at diets have failed miserably. And when I finally got home, I checked, 108kg.....wtf 

Thats just silly... so... ok, once again I will make an attempt to get the weight off,  if for no other reason to wipe that comment from mum from my brain.

The sad death of Dr Micheal Mosley in Greece also made me remember the intermittent fasting regime he championed, so ..thats the way I will work. Low carb, low cals, more excercise and very restricted calories at the weekend (except when cooking dinner for guests)

Lets see if mums on my shoulder commenting on my belly as I go through this.

Ahthankyew

Sheila Guild 21.5.41 - 9.6.24

Mum put up quite a fight, I'm sure I saw her fade out and then force herself back more than a few times, Death asked for a kiss and she said bugger off..

But in the end it was a battle she was never going to win and despite my Brother and I sitting vigil for over a month, she decided to go while I popped out of the room for 2 mins to get a coffee... I am sure she did that to just be contrary.

She had a long life, it wasn't always good, lots of strife and no small amount of abuse and betrayal from the men in her life but in her old age she grew into the paramount grumpy old woman, taking no shit from anyone...even if it wasn't always needed to put up a fight.

She was always there for me, always willing to give her honest and often critical opinion on things I had trouble coping with. I didn't always listen, but her advice was always there as was her love.

I am going to miss her so much.

Ahthankyew

When is the right time to go?

Still with mum, she's so strong, but every day is a rollercoaster with massive dips and small climbs.. Mum hangs on, seemingly only to complain about the quality of Coronation St and Emmerdale, story lines.

She has moments of lucidity but not much ability to communicate, but she'll find something to be grumpy about and bump the adrenalin up a bit to keep going.

Bad humour aside, she's slipping away a little more each day and as I sit here beside her I see some astonishing reality of life more clearly than ever before... it ends. Yeah it's obvious when you see it isn't it? But only now at 60 and in the close proximity of mums end does it become painfully and blindingly clear.

Mum was nearly 23 when she had me, so if go, or decline at the same rate as her, which is what genetics tells us might happen, I may have 16ish good years of retirement to look forward to if I wait till I'm 67.  Its easy to say I'm fitter, stronger, healthier etc...but that's just wishful thinking... I'm 60... its downhill from here,  I already am collecting a nice portfolio of known conditions to scare insurance companies away. 

No, as I watch her battle for every breath with an inevitable outcome, I realise all I am doing is battling every month for another pay cheque.... its not worth it..  No more battles, no more arguments over salary, from this point on, its time to make preparations for retirement, clear the decks, make arrangements and go.. I'll still write games, that's my hobby, but the sooner 9-5 ends the sooner I can work when I want, not when I have to.

Not sure exactly when, the longer I stay in NL the better the retirement, but I also think that there's a cut off point where the extra time here isn't worth losing the time I can share with Jirawan in Thailand... 

For now though, I'm sitting with mum, filled with memories, triggered in part by going through rucksacks of old photos in her flat,  and sad to see this great lady near her end.  I'll cry buckets shortly... then we face the future. it needs to be a future filled the joy, or whats the point?

Ahthankyew