When is the right time to go?

Still with mum, she's so strong, but every day is a rollercoaster with massive dips and small climbs.. Mum hangs on, seemingly only to complain about the quality of Coronation St and Emmerdale, story lines.

She has moments of lucidity but not much ability to communicate, but she'll find something to be grumpy about and bump the adrenalin up a bit to keep going.

Bad humour aside, she's slipping away a little more each day and as I sit here beside her I see some astonishing reality of life more clearly than ever before... it ends. Yeah it's obvious when you see it isn't it? But only now at 60 and in the close proximity of mums end does it become painfully and blindingly clear.

Mum was nearly 23 when she had me, so if go, or decline at the same rate as her, which is what genetics tells us might happen, I may have 16ish good years of retirement to look forward to if I wait till I'm 67.  Its easy to say I'm fitter, stronger, healthier etc...but that's just wishful thinking... I'm 60... its downhill from here,  I already am collecting a nice portfolio of known conditions to scare insurance companies away. 

No, as I watch her battle for every breath with an inevitable outcome, I realise all I am doing is battling every month for another pay cheque.... its not worth it..  No more battles, no more arguments over salary, from this point on, its time to make preparations for retirement, clear the decks, make arrangements and go.. I'll still write games, that's my hobby, but the sooner 9-5 ends the sooner I can work when I want, not when I have to.

Not sure exactly when, the longer I stay in NL the better the retirement, but I also think that there's a cut off point where the extra time here isn't worth losing the time I can share with Jirawan in Thailand... 

For now though, I'm sitting with mum, filled with memories, triggered in part by going through rucksacks of old photos in her flat,  and sad to see this great lady near her end.  I'll cry buckets shortly... then we face the future. it needs to be a future filled the joy, or whats the point?

Ahthankyew