Fuck You Cancer

After much hassle we finally managed to pick out most of the photos on Bina's camera. I had intended to be giving the finger in each of them to tell Cancer what I thought of it....but sometimes I forgot.
Order is a bit jumbled due to bloggers strange upload system but not to worry.




Thursdayy after my op, my 1st go at sitting up....phew that was an effort. Happy to say the clear and obvious tummy there, has gone down quite a bit since the op, I've lost 4 kilos so far...they are not mad keen on me losing weight, but I might as well take this chance to shed a few kilos while I don't feel the need to shove burgers, cake and doughnuts into my currently very narrow cakehole. Given its going to be a few weeks before I'm at full chewing capacity I'll see if I can lose 10Kilos. don't worry though am eating a lot of protein to hep the healing process...fish, sashimi, etc. Just not much in the way of cake and curry.





Bina getting a good view of my scar, checkout the nice drains in my neck...ugg...




Wednesday the day after, before swelling really kicked in, they had ice packs wrapped round me for the 1st day but as the swelling got worse there was no way to place them at the right spot and they ended up hurting more than helping so I binned them



One of the risks with this surgery is losing the ability to pucker up...so here's Bina and me testing our puckers before the op...since the op my pucker has been missing but it should come back in a week or 2.


oh dear...still you can't blame her, I do have a nice ass. Especially in see through string paper pants and poppit gown...roawrr.



Starting to feel much better now most pipes and tubes removed just that one drain, which does not look like much but went about 5 inches into my throat...owww!! Removing it was the oddest sensation ever, not painful so much because of the numbness but it felt like a huge gush of saliva coursed though the bottom of my tongue....oh and then it hurt.



I was dozy from time to time, for obvious reasons, and Bina caught me as I was just resting my eyes for an hour :D




Last 2 are just me me feeling good after resting my eyes :D




Ahthankyew

Grim pics

A few pics I took on my mobile....had a job getting these transferred
they are in reverse order, the day of the op then after, then after they took the protective film off...Bina has better pics I will post them soon

B








Ahthankyew

Round 2 to me.

Actually I typed this up on my laptop on Saturday/Sunday when I was starting to feel a bit more me and am posting here....I'm home now, only to discover my PC has died on me..so posting on the mac..Ill try to work out how to transfer pics to it and add them later. I have a quick outpatients visit tomorrow to remove the last of my staples then a follow up next week to get the pathology results.....tik tok

Day 1

Well actually its day 5, the 1st time I’ve felt well enough and mobile enough to haul out the laptop..sadly no wifi connection in the room, but there is a pay network hotspot way down in the hospital reception… I left my wallet at home with my cards, so will have to get Bina to bring it in I’ll try to make a posting today..Mum’s here though so I dunno why the rest of you will be reading this

Seems wrong to start off with today, and not give you a timetable of events but tbh the last few days are a bit of a jumble so best I just explain the best I can remember. I do really feel a lot better today, over the last few days 1 by 1, I’ve had drips drains and catheters removed and as I type this I just have one drain left which will be removed soon.

So…what was it like? Painful of course, incredibly sore, despite the numbing of half my face due to the nerves being tickled and prodded, I still have all my facial nerves intact and they are starting to reconnect at different rates usually preceded with pain. My tongue is half numb still so speaking is a bit slurred but have been told that will resolve itself soon
I have no idea what’s going on in my mouth because the numb side is of course the side where the work was done, but it feels a bit like a big swollen mass at the moment, we’ll have to wait a few more days till the swelling does down to get a better idea.
The surgeon is a bit confused by the pain tbh. Everything above the wound is fairly numb and not too bad, but a few inches below is very raw and swollen.(well everything is but swollen and painful below the wound)

The actual surgery took 5 hours I’m told, and it was quite a surreal experience. Unlike in the UK where you go in, settle down for a few hours, get a pre med, have a quick visit with a surgeon, then get taken down to the anaesthetist. Here we booked in…were shown the room where I would be spending the next 6 or 7 days and basically left to it. About an hour before hand they dropped off some very fetching paper pants and a poppit fastening gown, and gave me a file to take down to the surgeon to discuss what he was going to do.

That was fine, he re-stated pretty much everything he mentioned before and we asked a few more questions about healing rates and so on.

Back to the room…and then told it was set for 12-45 and to get into my paper pants 15 mins before…oh and go to the toilet 1st.
Gulp

Bina stayed with me till they wheeled me out of the room..still no pre-med, and I was wheeled straight down to the actual theatre where of course in typical Dutch fashion everyone introduced themselves…..odd..
I then shuffled onto the op table, fitting my head into a head rest, this was hard and uncomfortable but kept my head nice and still….still no pre-med.
Then they started fitting me with IV’s and strapping me in while still awake….finally the white stuff was pumped in and I was out cold….


5 hours later…



Recovery was awful….since I had swallowed a couple of bucket loads of blood I was very nauseous and they could not give me enough morphine to do the job because that increases the nausea…of course the numb face at least meant I was not screaming the house down.

I’ve never been happier to see Bina and Jodie at that point, unable to say much, in incredible pain and trying hard to breath as my mouth was full of bloody and sticky choking mucus. I grabbed their hands as they stood either side of me and felt immediately better. Both of them wearing sterile hat and gown, which really made Jodies bum look huge???

Things get a bit vague at that point, thoughts are very muddled and I was in distress a few times as I struggled to breath/avoid throwing up,
But eventually things must have stabilised, the surgeon came to see me and wanted to see me doing kiss and smile moves…not too successfully; then they wheeled me back up to the room, where in a few moments of lucidity I worked out that I had all my tubes and drains in place. 2 in the neck, an IV in my wrist and foot , a couple of nasal tubes, which I didn’t understand at 1st, 1 was Oxygen, the other was feeding.

I wasn’t able to wash out my mouth so the thick congealed blood coating my mouth and tongue was stopping any fresh saliva from being produced. The gave me a damp cloth though which I put in my mouth and rubbed my tongue as hard as possible to get it clean…it came out black with congealed blood and took several goes to get something close to clear.


That was the 1st couple of days basically, swallowing was agony, and breathing occasionally become difficult as the thick goo in my mouth would choke me with no easy way to cough and swallow the accumulated and very very sticky gunk

Sleep didn’t come easily and the next 48 hours or so were spent watching the worlds slowest clock on the wall tick seconds away as I tried in vein to find some way to be comfortable on what is supposed to be a state of the art hospital bed (bed goes up bed goes down). I simply couldn’t get cosy. Desperate for sleep and on only mild painkillers there was just no way to drop off and I existed on snatched 5 min naps before waking with a start trying to clear my throat and breath.

Anyway…A nice opiate based injection in the leg one morning gave me 2 hours of blissful painfree sleep (and some very vivid coloured dreams) and I started to feel better.

I got a 1st look at my face which is not a pretty sight at the best of times, and wow….massive angry looking scar with around 30 staples and a huge amount of swelling in the jaw area. At one point the cling film substance they put over the wound to keep everything in place was starting to choke me as my face swelled and swelled pulling it tight across my throat.

All this is normal of course, 4-5 days of swelling are expected and it should start to die down after the weekend.

Mum turned up on Thursday night, she had this trip planned long before the cancer diagnosis so we all agreed she should still come over and we’ll see how things go, but it was clear when she saw me she was a bit shocked at the state of my swollen face. But after a few mins of chatting she was ok.

I’m talking, albeit with some difficulty as my tongue is still numb on one side and I don’t have full lip control but I am at least understandable, so when mum whipped out a video camera to take in the scene I couldn’t resist spouting as many filthy expletives as I was able….something for her to remember J
I can’t really listen to my ipod either as my right ear is totally numb and it feels too freekingly odd to put an ear piece in. So mostly I am watching TV in the room…one of the benefits of being a solo occupant.

1 by 1 my various tubes have come out…I asked them keep the catheter in for a few days longer than they planned, part from honest fear but also because for the 1st few days I was weak as a kitten and tired in seconds..I mean that, even a few seconds worth of lucid movement resulted in a need for a 2 hour lie down (no sleep though due to the discomfort), so best to let the bag take the effort and avoid pissing the bed.
The feeding tube somehow got pulled out of position while I was asleep and ended up pumping complan type stuff into my chest. The nurse removed it , revealing the bottom 2 inches or so had been sitting in blood, with the intention of putting a new one in, but I just couldn’t cope with the re-insert so I was allowed to leave it off. So I might lose a few pounds in weight….big deal.

Oh they said the catheter does not hurt when they remove it…that’s a lie….well kinda its not so much pain as…..as……deeply unpleasant. I was peeing again normally a few hours later. Never been so happy to have a stand up pee before.

Eating was possible yesterday but frankly just too painful, so I only managed a couple of small spoonfuls of yogurt. Today is much better, swallowing still hurts but not as much and I managed a full yogurt breakfast and a soup and yogurt lunch. The inside of my mouth is swelling up quite a bit today though and I can’t quite close my mouth without effort, so I don’t expect to be chewing for a few more days


So everyday, I’m getting a bit better, I can get up and move about now for longer than a few seconds before needing a lie down. So far about 20 mins…setting up this laptop and typing a page wiped me out for a couple of hours though.

My right arm is starting to get a bit weak, as I was warned, due to the shoulder nerves in my neck, being moved around. No pain (yet) just a feeling of weakness that will get worse then get better.

Bina has taken pics of me in various states, pretty much every day, with a fuck you cancer theme to them, which should become apparent when I post them.

I am able to pull my emails on my phone, though annoyingly I’ve never worked out how to send messages, and the emails of support are really inspiring. Thank you all for the kind wishes and words of support.

So that’s round 2 over…I seem to have won that, the section of jaw removed, along with 3 teeth had the cancer contained, I keep my facial nerves intact and the lymph glands all “appeared” to be clear and healthy. The pathology takes 2 weeks so we’ll know then if we’ve dealt it a knock out blow!


That’s it….never realised typing could be so tiring…am going to go have a 2 hour lie down then watch Dr Who (I at least get BBC tv here).. I’ll post this as soon as I am able but it might not be till I get out and am back home.

Ahthankyew

Boo

Am ok. Still in hossie but up and about and starting to get around. Can't log in to this on mg laptop to post my account of the week so far but will do soon .posting this from iPod to keep you upto date.

Thanks for all the messages and support x x


Ahthankyew

Last Post before the chop

So.....what to say...am off for my op in the morning, I'm supposed to get an early start so I can have the minuscule biscuit breakfast, so I need to go to bed soon but really am not able to sleep just now.

I've posted all the students retake stuff but had real problems concentrating on the marking process so I'll have to deal with that later.

I'm due to check in at 10am, get settled, tubes and drips inserted as needed before the op which will be "sometime" in the afternoon. I might have to finally allow the dutch medical service access to my old man to fit that catheter they've been dreaming of since last year....hope I'm out cold when they do that.

Its strange that people seem keen to know the time of the op, I keep being asked by email and so on...I honestly have no idea, I suspect there is a schedule at the hospital but I dunno..probably after lunch sometime, hopefully they will tell me when I get there.

I'm nervous, and of course stressed about this, so not knowing the time is probably a bad thing...bit like waiting for the hangman to come to the cell for your early morning walk and stretch. Then again knowing could be even worse as I count the seconds till Op time....argghh can't decide which is worse, knowing or not knowing.

Its not at all like all the other surgeries I've had over the years, none of which have ever stressed me out, partly I suppose because I needed them to relieve pain or discomfort...When you have an appendix throbbing away, you don't think of anything else but getting it out..now!

The enormity of whats happening is starting to sink in and its hard to explain..I got cancer...shit ok, thats bad I know that...and just 3 weeks to the day after finding out I'm having a big chunk of my jaw, with associated and much looked after teeth, removed to deal with it...

Its mindblowing really. I don't feel ill, have little to no discomfort from the tumour, no visible signs, no weight loss, no obstructions, nothing! My body is doing everything it should do apart from a little lump on my outer gum!

So surgery just seems to be a scary prospect for no physical reason....but of course there is a reason, if I don't do this, I'll die!!!

yup..theres a motivator for you! But still does not change the facts..I feel fine and I'm about to go under the knife and without the normal physical stimulus of pain or discomfort that usually proceed surgery, it feels very unnatural.

Still its a good way to get loads of medical grade drugs..the only time I ever indulge in such things :D

I don't think there is internet access in the wards, so this will be the last post for a while, unless I can hobble down to the reception area where there is a wifi hotspot and leach a bit of signal to feed my internet addiction.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support, I mean that, its easy to forget just how many people are in your life, even if its the outskirts, but when they all come forward to wish you well its truly overwhelming and I'm quite choked up by some of the nice things I hear and old friends who got in touch.....bet you wouldn't be so nice if I had the clap though eh??? eh???


Bed time now...hopefully I'll be able to update this soon...and add pics of the current cute beardless me, with some before and after pics :D





Ahthankyew

I can't do that..I've got cancer.

Not for much longer..I've been lapping up the attention of those around me as I avoid doing the chores or indeed any work at all..its amazing, the sheer power of the C word. I don't care...I deserve to be a bit selfish in the run up to the big op.

We've had a nice week, trotting about the place, doing stuff and ermm things. Just for the hell of it. Especially eating..lots and lots of eating all my favorite foods. But today I have to have an easy eating day, and tomorrow an even lighter day so I have a nice empty stomach before my op.

The admissions guy at the hospital actually surprised me by insisting I have a very light breakfast at 7am...This isn't my 1st surgery of course, and normally they are mega anal about not eating for hours before. Mind you when he said light he meant light...a couple of toasted biscuits and coffee..Not sure its worth the effort but I'll take the advice, especially the coffee.

So...how am I? Bit tense, little scared of course, worse at night when I am trying to sleep, but sleeping fine when I do drop off.
The sheer thought of whats going to happen is at the front of my mind all the time..But am calm despite all this..The relief that I don't have to have the full resection will carry me through, it could be much worse.

But there is of course always a silver cloud to that lining...or something...We signed the papers for the mortgage on Friday, and posted them off. So assuming we've not ticked the wrong box or they decide they need even more paperwork (they actually wanted me to supply my divorce papers...lucky I got a copy of them from my ex before I moved over.) We should get confirmation of all the paperwork being processed when I get out of hossie.

That really is something to look forward to, all being well our move will happen in July and we can start putting down roots in our new country. A nice fresh start in so many ways.
I'll try to make some blog posts while I am in hospital so mum can keep up to date before she comes over to visit...dunno if they have wireless or not..Seems I can get internet if I opt for a "comfort" package....costs extra though and not sure the insurance will cover it..but I will ask :D








Ahthankyew

Today...is good news day :D

Well what a day....started out stressed of course, but we got to the hospital with shaky knees, expecting to hear some bad news, after getting the letter from the radiotherapy dept on Saturday.
I took Bina of course, but also Oscar, a colleague from work who is a native dutch speaker with us to avoid any possible misunderstandings and we shuffled into the Dr's office ready to have him pronounce sentence.

But he didn't in fact it was all good news...no spread to the lymph glands, and even better they were only going to do a partial thickness resection, in other words just remove the chunk that is around the tumor. There is also going to be a partial neck dissection as a precaution..this is actually a bit nastier than the jaw resection but better safe than sorry.

What this means is mega...

1st no need to reconstruct the jaw, at least not yet. I will lose some tissue and bone but they don't need to replace it. They will stretch my cheek skin over to make new gum and the lost teeth (3..maybe 4) will be replaced later in the year when the jaw heals with implants.

2nd I should not lose the feeling in my lips or tongue, at least not permanently which would have happened (to my lip) on a full resection.

3rd...most important for me of course...unless theres an emergency....no trach :D

Overall the surgery is much shorter, and recovery time a lot quicker. I'll have a big scar on my neck that will fade in time and the beard has to go for a while (awww) but thats something I can live with.
No trach, no feeding tube, no bone harvest no no no..lots of no's and all good.


And the letter for Radiotherapy.......a mistake..They sent me someone elses letter, I had a phone call from the dept apologizing for the error and accepting that those letters were only sent if something bad was discovered in the biopsies and scans...doh...that really did scare me so much, so what a relief.


And the good news keeps on coming....when we got back home I checked the mail, and we got our mortgage :D our move is on, and I'll be easily fit enough to cope with it all.

now...where do I go to buy a lottery ticket.


The smile of a very happy and relieved man just after our appointment at the hossie. I've been grinning like that all day...kinda crazy when you consider I still have to have a big op, but its all relative ;)




note...there does however seem to be a small fault in Bina's camera.....it has made some of my hairs appear grey...I don't have grey hairs of course, so it must be the camera.

Ahthankyew

Emotional rollercoaster

Yup....
very hard to explain....am normally quite an upbeat spontaneous person but with a detached analytical view of the world and people. Even this cancer thing I've just reviewed as a problem to be solved. But I'm losing some of that detachment at times.

Probably due to the craziness of the cancer situation, (of course it is!!). I'm not quite falling into a heap and blubbing yet, but there are moments of tears and quiet reflections, this is to be expected I suppose. The worst thing though is experiencing waves of shock and awe type fear that removes all the detachment.

News yesterday, in the form of an appointment letter, that I have to go for a radiotherapy consult in Utrecht had me spinning out of control for a bit as I worked out all the worst case situations that meant. They said I wouldn't need it, that surgery was all that was required...so of course I felt that wave of fear and figured something worse was coming.

But really its just a consult..nothing more or less, I'll find out exactly what treatment is being planned on Tuesday, so no point in worrying about it. Now that my detachment is back, I can see this now.

Who knows, it might even be good news, it might be bad news, it might even be no news at all...but next time they should talk to me before making appointments.

I have to stop seeing the worst case scenario....I can't project manage my way round this with good risk assessment and contingency plans, I just have to see what the experts have to say and move forward.
Easy to say now of course....we'll see how the next panic attack handles the next bit of news.




Ahthankyew

Who spilled the curry?

spent 10 mins on my knees cleaning up the stain after someone spilled some curry on the carpet last night, would have been a bit easier if I had been told at the time;)

Not that I mind at all, we had a FANTASTIC evening last night, with most of our work colleagues and friends coming over to celebrate the great British Curry extravaganza Bina and I had prepared as a sort of final chew event.

The event was a great success with everyone really enjoying the food, a selection of chicken, lamb and vegan curries, dal's and stuff.

Including an absurdly hot Chicken Phal I prepared which was intended only for the Macho men and true masochists, since it had 20 dried red chilies 10 fresh red chillies, and a couple of scotch bonnet chillies in there...which normally would need you wearing a Hazmat suit to serve...but it all got eaten!!!!
...I am sure there are going to be some hot bottoms today though ;)

Some impromptu guitar playing also occurred followed by more food and chocolate fountain fun, before ending on several rounds of Tequila slammers with the surviviours.

A great night, with great people...Bina and I had a total ball, thanks to all who came (even the curry spiller).


Ahthankyew

feeling better and worse

Oh I have made a great discovery, while googling last night on jaw resection, I stumbled accross the site of Eric Warman
Eric, is a game developer, like me, who had jaw resection surgery on Dec 17th (my Birtday) for the same type of cancer, in pretty much the same place and he detailed everything including pics, on his blog...WARNING there are very graphic pics and videos in there of his operation and aftermath. (Don't look mum...really..)

I've read/watched quite a bit of it, though a lot of it is a bit hard for me to watch as its going to be so personal to me soon, it is fascinating. I also managed to contact Eric and add him to my faceboox account.

We spent an hour or so last night facebook chatting, with me asking all the kind of sily questions only someone who has been through it can answer..I've had a lot of worries taken off my shoulders I can tell you, I know most of the medical stuff but the little personal details are nice to know.

Though I have one concern added, or rather re-added, the dreaded trach popped up again, he had to have it and others he knows also...So I am back squirming at the thought of that. I'm going to have to be quite forceful that I really don't want a trach done....but I'm getting ahead of myself, I still have to discuss all this with my surgeon. So I'll try to stop squirming till then.

Eric's story is uncannally close to my own, so I'll take his recovery as a model of how mines will be....though I'm hoping I don't pick up an infection in the bone harvest site like he did which caused a few more issues for his recovery.








Ahthankyew

I have THE best colleagues

I wish I could explain more, but it would be embarrassing for those involved...just wanted to say I have the most incredible wonderful, warm hearted supportive and friendly colleagues, bosses and students.


I can't say enough thank you's to all of them.


Ahthankyew

Nooooooooo!!!!!

Say it ain't so....pleeeeeze

Someone just likes to watch me suffering!!!!

iPad's international release delayed by Apple

Vodafone, Orange and O2 are preparing price plans for the iPad 3G in the UK
Apple is to delay the international release of its touchscreen tablet computer, the iPad, by one month.

It will now launch the device around the world, including the UK, at the end of May, and will begin accepting pre-orders on 10 May.

In a statement the company blamed demand for the device in the US, which it said had been "surprisingly strong".

When the iPad launched in the US, 300,000 units were sold on its first day.

Apple claims it delivered 500,000 in the first week of its release.

"Demand is far higher than we predicted and will likely continue to exceed our supply over the next several weeks," said Apple.

Prices for the first iPad models start at $499 (£328) in the US. They have wi-fi but not 3G connectivity.

Ahthankyew

Mohs surgery??

yes I know I should keep away from the internet when I can't sleep. But I have been researching things again and have come across some info on a surgical technique known as Mohs surgery.

The type of cancer I have is squamous cell carcinoma located in the gingiva (thats a lump in the gums to you and me) This is basically a form of skin cancer, the gums after all are basically covered in a type of skin like everywhere else, only wetter. So they get the same kind of cancers as the other types of skin.

I've been reading that it can be used on squamous cell carcinoma though usually on lips, tongues and other fleshy bits, but can't seem to locate much info on its use on the gum.

The main advantage of this technique is that it basically slices down to the root of the tumor and only takes away as much as needed, each slice viewed under a microscope to verify the cancer is clear. This would mean no need to remove the jawbone though the teeth might still need to go to allow access to the entire gum tissue, and a nice access cut on the jawline..

If that could be done, it would be less trauma of course and a simple healing and repair process. So I am going to ask about this as soon as I can. It does seem to be mostly a US favored technique but there is a surgeon in Maastricht who does this so...we'll see.

clutching at straws a bit, but I want to be given some options, I don't really like this simple statement of we need to remove the jaw...if it is healthy and untouched I think it best to discuss ways to save it.










Ahthankyew

Coming to the end of round 1

Ok so that was the surgical/oncologist consult done...seems my lymph nodes are clear and clean, though we are still waiting on the needle biopsy results to be sure.

The plan at the moment is for surgery here in Breda, which is nice, they plan to do a lower jaw resection, which means I'll lose about 3 teeth worth, not quite sure if there's going to be any restructuring at this point and also removal of 1 lymph gland on that side for safety..I'll need to ask questions about that on the 20th to see what functions that'll impair.
But I do know I will lose lip control and most of the feeling on the right side of my face, so going to have to get some kissing practice I before I lose the knack.

I'm still not sure why a full resection is needed when it seems so local, but its best I question that with my surgeon.

Oh an a trach is very unlikely..phew...that would freak me out big time....stupid innit? I'm going to lose feeling in my face, have a droopy lip and not be able to chew or talk properly for months but I'm really relieved that they are not going to put a hole in my throat (uuuggg just typing that makes me squirm)..yup..I got some odd priorities :D





Ahthankyew

Definitely need to work on that education

Then again if you watch Fox news...why bother..just do what they tell you

no...really its true
Ahthankyew

oh the horror

The internet is a horrible thing..it just gives you too much information. I've been looking up details on jaw resections, so I can be prepared for Mondays surgical consult.

Christ its a big deal..I hope to fuck I only need a partial resection because the full Monty is not a pleasant process at all. Not least because it probably involves the one thing I truly have an absolute horror of, a Tracheostomy.

Ever since I was a kid, I've hated having my throat touched or constricted, I can't bear to see injuries to throats and am really freaked out by people who have trach holes. I don't wear chains or anything that touches my throat because I hate the feeling. Having the scans and biopsies last week put me at the absolute limit of my tolerance.

A tracheostomy is my absolute total idea of the worst thing in the world. I really don't think thats something I could take, it would totally freak me out. And I don't care how many people have one without issue and come through it.. I simply can't deal with that....fuck that.

So...I have to hope the surgeon is confident of a fairly simple shaving bone process (a partial resection) rather than losing a big chunk which needs the trach to counter the resulting swelling

A little information is indeed a dangerous thing, but I'd rather know the facts, even if they creep me out, so I can ask the right questions.


Ahthankyew

oh...and smiles too

Oh I forgot to mention something fun that happened yesterday. We had previously booked our medicals for the life insurance, and it was too late to cancel so we went ahead with it. It was done at home, by a really nice Dutch Doctor, sorry I didn't quite catch his name, as I an such a wuss at asking Dutch people to repeat their names when I don't make them out, who came and did all the BP, heart, lung tests etc, and filled out a questionnaire..All pretty standard, I explained the cancer diagnosis, and he just proceeded with the exam as normal.

What was amusing though was that as soon as he came in he caught sight of my Stratocaster sat in its stand in the living room and was quite captivated.
It turned out he was also a guitar player and was really impressed to see a real Fender sat there, his guitars were not very special it seems.

Once our exams were done, Bina had to have a 2nd BP test, because her pressures are normally high (she's on meds for it) and she had to lie down for a minute to let her pressure settle.

So with a fellow guitar buff in place, he raised the subject of guitars again and I realized I had something he'd like to see. I brought out the big gun and let him see and play my Lucille...He was agog, never having had such a lovely guitar in his hands before he strummed away with a biggest smile on his face, while Bina patiently lay on the couch waiting for her 2nd BP test. I showed him the others after he'd done Bina's test, the smile never came off his face once.

It really was nice to see how something so simple as holding one of my guitars, could make someone so happy, there was a chap, just doing a boring routine medical checkup, had his evening turned into something that made his day.

It also brought home to me something that was brought up at our "lads" night out, in the midst of people assessing what to do next with their lives now they needed new jobs, everyone was banging on about their life goals; There was talk of high academic achievements, fame,important breakthroughs in their fields, fortune and so on...and it dawned on me, the only real goals I have to is to see my kids happy, not to piss people off, and to make Bina smile. Everything else in my life is just fine, in spite of the kick in the nuts over the cancer thing, my life is amazing..why reach for more? (though a cure for cancer would be a good idea..I'll get right on that when I have time)

Sometimes the really important things are just the tiny things that are closer to home than you realize, the getting through life parts that people confuse as being important goals, are just the means to let you achieve these simple goals, they are just the bumps in the road you need to deal with.


Ahthankyew

Ok, but it'll cost you; 1st tears.

We got a bit of good news today, Even though I wont be able to get any life insurance while I have the cancer, we can still move ahead with our plans to buy the house, taking a slightly different mortgage plan, which of course...will cost extra!

Finance is never anything but opportunistic, where theres a reason to charge..they charge. Not sure exactly how much more, around 150euros I think. I guess we can offset that by the fact we won't be paying Life insurance premiums.

But in the grand scheme of things its only money, and if it allows us to get the house we want, then we'll push ahead.

Pretty much done telling all the family and friends now, those that I can't get hold of will no doubt hear in due course. some wonderful words of support that are really nice to hear, thanks to everyone...Work colleagues have been simply amazing with offers of help and cover till I get back, they really are an amazing bunch.

Hardest person to tell was my daughter Danni, who didn't take the news well and was the only one who had me blubbing on the phone, but after the initial shock of hearing the C word, she started to take onboard the facts that it is early and treatable so we had a bit of blub and left it at that. Nothing I hate more than hearing my sprog cry, even if she is all grown up.

So in true fuckit style I went out on the razzle last night with a few colleagues, a couple of whom sadly won't be coming back to NHTV next year....I figured having cancer kinda topped being let go. so they couldn't really complain too much about their need to polish the CV.

We let our hair down and had a superb meal and wine at the Goucho steak house and booze at the pub to follow. My colleague Dino surprisingly insisted on paying the restaurant bill which was sweet of him and a little embarrassing, since I had every intention of paying for it myself to cheer everyone up, and had ordered "the good stuff", with all the trimmings (solid food has become somewhat extra important to me at the moment) so it was not a cheap night for the big man..I tried to make up for this by keeping the booze flowing at the pub and subsequent hour or so of pool at the American pool bar that followed (even pissed as a fart I was unbeatable ;) )

A good night, hopefully topped off by my friend Steves (one of the leavers) drunken but sincere proposal to his Dutch girlfriend, which I hope they remembered and will carry through and stay in Breda....I offered my services as a bridesmaid....but I hope they forget that bit.

Anyway...sleep is slow to come despite being tired...as much as I am coping well wth the situation, it does weigh on my mind especially when I am trying to sleep...but time I went to bed and tried again.






Ahthankyew

ah fuckit

So..I got my biopsy results in.

Malignant.

shit.....that puts a bit of a damper on what had been a very nice day today.

I've told immediate family and friends, work colleagues will follow. So as is my habit, I'll start to record things here.

I wanted to be sure that my job was safe while I get treatment and have been told that it is, so we can make plans that suit, I would have hated to run back to the UK with no job, home or whatever.

Not sure the house purchase can still go ahead though, since life insurance is going to be a bit tough to get right now. But we'll check it out.
Another classic fucking example of good timing, we have our medicals for the insurance booked on Thursday, I suspect I'll have to disclose that, chances are my blood work will show up cancer pointers anyway, but we've asked the bank if they would still allow us to have a mortgage when one parter has such an illness.

So whats the score? Basically, I have a form of oral cancer, he did say the name but I couldn't pronounce it never mind spell. I'll note the name of it later when I have more details to hand.

Its fairly rare, but he's confident it's only at stage T1, ie a small tumor away from the bone and endocrine system. It will need treatment and the 1st step now is to work out exactly what stage my cancer is at and plan a treatment program.

I'll say this for Dutch health people though, they moved fast..on the same day they told me, I've had an MRI (btw that takes 30mins....), Xrays, ultra sound and 2 needle biopsies into the lymph glands in my neck to make sure that they are safe, if so, then we are indeed at T1 and treatment should be only surgery with not too much follow up. I don't really fancy the chemo and radio therapy that will be needed if its at a later stage but no point speculating till the results are in.

We knew this was bad news on Friday when the hospital called and brought forward my appointment, then said not to go alone...yikes...I spend the entire weekend shitting myself over what it might be, though I knew really. I shared my fears with Bina and she was also stressed. It was actually quite a relief when he told me, not good news of course but no more speculation. We now move forward.

Surgery is going to be a bitch, there will be removal of part of my jaw with subsequent problems with speaking and eating.....hmm silence and a liquid diet..I guess I can live with that for a while. Good job I've been fattening up for winter.

I have a surgical consult with a specialist in Utrecht on Monday, and a treatment meeting with my doctor on the 20th to determine the treatment plan depending on the test results.




Ahthankyew

Happy Easter?

Here in Holland, at least in the south, Easter is a big deal, with Friday and Monday being public holidays in most places making it a classic long weekend.

So great, a nice long weekend for everyone, even if you don't actually believe the whole zombie son of god thing..

Though of course I might enjoy it more if I didn't normally have Friday and Monday at home anyway....at least officially I don't have to do any work.

Weather has been pretty crappy though, after the surprisingly early warm spell the other week, it seems we have got the tail end of the storms that have been hitting the UK. Not a lot of snow, (in fact I only noticed some hailstones but Bina assures me there was snow,) but it chilly and wet for sure. Today, (Monday) looks brighter though so we might venture out and see what if anything is open today.





Ahthankyew

shit

very disappointing poker game with colleagues...one, who shall remain nameless, felt it was all being taken a bit too serious.
and totally ruined the final phase of the game by bitching about it, so much so we just ended it there and then.....why come to a fucking poker night if you don't want to play poker. The argument that other games he used to talk more is just bs...much booze was drunk, much talk was made but also much poker was played...

Its not a case of taking it too serious its simply a case of enjoying a common theme and seeing it through...way to lose the fucking plot dude!! I hope to fuck he's not going to come to the tiddlywinks evening i was thinking about planning.

ahh balls to it, am pissed and a bit narked for reasons that may become apparent next week.

right now time to get to bed and sleep it off.





Ahthankyew

Tubes for the Twanging thing

My new toy...

Its a 5W Fender Champ 600 all tube amp... As much as I would love to have a full size 50W+ all tube amp (my Marshall is only part tube) I can't afford one just now (nor indeed do I have anywhere to put it), so picked this up on ebay at a great price.
Makes a really lovely warm sound, much nicer than the Marshall, and small enough to carry around. The Strat sounds amazing on it, Lucille sounds just fab...a great buy for a home player.




Ahthankyew

Less dribble, more owww

The drink worked wonders and a few days later no real problems to report, but now I'm quite uncomfortable due to the stitch the jaw surgeon put in to stem some bleeding..its a dissolving one so it will go in a few more days, but in the meantime its causing a fair bit of localized pain as it pulls on some tender healing gum.

Bahh...all the more reason to buy more booze I think.


In other news......Jodie has shown some interest in learning to play guitar...though I am far from being a competent player or teacher, I can certainly show her some basics and see if she takes to it...Not too keen on her playing on my Breedlove though, so have made some other arrangements....... ;)

A Crafter Twin Bird GA....a suitably girly guitar..



she seems pleased :D

Ahthankyew

owww....dribble

So I went to the Jaw Surgeon today, he isn't too sure what the problem is either so he took a biopsy of the offending area. Now when you hear the word biopsy, you kinda expect a syringe needle taking a core sample...not a scalpel taking a dirty big chunk of gum followed by some pretty serious bleeding needing cauterization.

Of course my mouth was numbed with some local anesthetic so won't feel the damage for an hour or so..just enough time get too drunk to care.

Results in 10-14 days.


Ahthankyew

House and medical fun

Well the house purchase is moving forward at a fair old pace, we signed the pre-sales contract last Friday. This is something I've not come across before though and is mandatory here in Holland.

Its basically a commitment to buy now that basic terms are agreed. We can still haggle over some issues but essentially it means we can't be gazumped, or indeed we can't back out, without having to pay a hefty fine.

Only failure to raise the finance is allowed to break that agreement. So we're all good to go now.

And on that note, we've been busy chasing up the various documents and insurance schemes and employer decelerations needed...and yes..finally I registered with a Doctor. So that I can have a medical for the life insurance.

Which is just as well since I have to make a small trip to the hospital outpatients tomorrow. I went to the dentist last week, to have a check up and also to investigate a long standing ulcer/infection/something in my gum which has refused to go away despite all the brushing and mouth washing you can imagine.

The dentist said she didn't know what it was and wants me to go see the jaw surgeon at the hospital for better tests. Bugger...I hope my insurance covers this! Pretty sure it doesn't...since dental is extra and I don't think we have that, the visit alone with a couple of xrays was €109...pretty expensive. I hope the outpatients thing is considered medical..which is covered.

Kind of appropriate following on from my last post about US health care. If I have to pay out on this it will be fairly expensive. Fortunately I can probably cover it ok, but imagine if I was on a low income..Then indeed it becomes a choice, as so many US right wingers are saying their choices are being removed by the healthcare scheme..but the only real choice that is left when you have to worry about money is to get treatment or not to get treatment.


Ahthankyew

Education...not health care

So Obama finally got the healthcare bill through...I'm pleased to hear it, as someone put it on facebook, its nice to welcome the USA into the mid 20th century.

I mean...ok so I get that the American mentality is somewhat different to Europe, and they hate the idea of central government telling them what to do (do they mind state government telling them???) But to suggest that Obama is a communist and a fascist in the same breath is staggeringly ignorant of the realities of what is going on.

Reading some of the amazing accusations from so called tea party members, as well as supposedly well educated republican politicians is like listening to 5 years olds descending into my, dad's going to beat up your dad, and your mom and and and, cos he smells bad and...

I mean really...the amounts of absolute twaddle..on both sides, but mainly on the anti side, are just staggering. Is the average American truly incapable of separating fact from fiction, or using their thinking skills to work out when they are being lied to, and can they not tell when they are spouting utter shit?

The most vocal of opponents are those who clearly have absolutely no idea what the health care bill is about..they've picked up on some irrelevant sound byte fed to them by those who want to preserve their income, and used it as a mantra to protect their "freedom" from damn communistic fascists. It really is mind numbing.

“The most brilliant propagandist technique will yield no success unless one fundamental principle is borne in mind constantly - it must confine itself to a few points and repeat them over and over”...I'll leave you to work out who said that...but look at it carefully and ask yourself...who said anything about removal of freedoms, who said anything about socialist states, who said anything about death panels..etc.


But it has passed, finally, will it work? Who knows...its still basically an insurance scheme which now more people will pay into and get coverage, and in theory not be refused for medical treatment. With caps set on various fat cats ability to earn mega fees for providing health care...ironically, it could actually end up saving the US billions of $ and reducing premiums due to the larger numbers of people now making contributions. As well as providing a healthier workforce, as the NHS did in the 40's,50's and 60's in the UK (not before being resisted by doctors fearing their earnings would go)

But of course those caps mean, that big corporations can no longer make as much money as they used to..instead of taking money in, they now have to actually pay some out or face the governments new legal systems forcing them to provide healthcare for all.

Think about that...healthcare for all.....I mean..how can that not be a good thing?

I can't help but wonder if Obama really has taken on the wrong target, its not healthcare the US needs, its education. It needs to make its people more aware of the way they are so susceptible to clear and false propaganda and also more aware of the way that politics outside of the US has actually produced incredible benefits.


Ultimately it really is about money, there's no erosion of freedom involved, there's no socialistic/communistic/fascist state being set up (don't they even know what that means??) Its a simple government edict to healthcare providers to stop the gravy train and start looking after the people who pay for a service they've been refused to date...by money men, only interested in money. Thats the truth of 21st century America.

Money...

God Please the United States of Mamon.


Ahthankyew

Running for the board of the IGDA

I have already stated on the IGDA forums that I intend to run for the board of the IGDA at the next possible opportunity (not sure if that means next year or the year after due to there being a 2 year membership requirement). But I am going to start making it better known, and set up another blog somewhere to detail my campaign.

Of course as such a vocal critic of the IGDA my candidacy is going to be controversial and should I be lucky enough to win a place I will by necessity be there to make major changes to the organisation and help those on the board already fighting for change who are currently hampered by an old guard of ineffective members and closeted procedures.

But I’m not just going to run on a, bring them all down, mandate…nor am I running to give myself a nice title to add to my sig line and promote some romanticised ideal of what I can do for the IGDA, I want to establish a set of policy points that I intend to pursue, designed to make the IGDA more relevant to game developers.

So I have outlined an initial draft of things I want to bring to the board.

1) Total transparency and reporting of board activities
2) Simplification of vote of no confidence in the board or individual members
3) Promotion of training for management and project management
4) Definite commitment to speak out about crunch
5) Establishment of a IGDA Good working practices award
6) Pressure console makers to form educational programmes
7) Support for indies and freelancers to work in mainstream development
8) Explanation of workers rights and contract
9) Split executive control to geographic sites


1) The board as it stands is somewhat secretive and often self serving, we’ve seen instances of board members seeking the role simply to promote their own status, agenda’s or in one case to scupper established programs. The board must be totally transparent and accountable for its actions. I would like to see recordings of all meetings made available* and notes of who holds what opinions kept. If someone clearly is not fulfilling their role to the benefit of the organisation it has to be possible to see that.

2) This follows on from point 1, if the board is open and accountable there therefore has to be a straightforward procedure to rebuke or in some cases remove that member, or the board for failing to uphold its obligations to the members.

3) There are many management and project management and quality control organisations out there, which the IGDA could hook up with to provide information or training on proper business and project management methods. Our industry often shows staggering levels of ineptitude on even the most basic working methods for running a company or project. The IGDA could and should reach out to organisations who represent professionals in these fields and bring that experience into the industry.

4) Crunch is evil. Lets not get bogged down with endless debate about what exactly is QoL, lets instead focus on a simple fact, Crunch, being the enforced working of unpaid overtime, is evil…and it must be spoken out and fought at every turn.

5) The IGDA must set up a Good Working Practices award, and establish a means of investigating companies to determine if their working practices are fair and do not use crunch to drive their profitability. This could be a voluntary application for this award, or it could be a long term investment by the IGDA to seek out the best companies and to highlight those who do not meet a standard that should be expected.

6) Sony currently have a fine, though still limited educational program, Nintendo and Microsoft sadly do not, which means that many future game developers do not get exposed to the development skills they will need when the enter the commercial market. IGDA should seek to work with Nintendo and Microsoft to establish such programs to ensure future graduates are fully able to contribute to the industry when they graduate.

7) In an industry when competition often results in regular unemployment, many developers see smaller business models as a way forward, but all the main console makers effectively prohibit their systems being used by home based or casual office workers, this needs to be addressed.

8) Many developers are often unaware of their rights as employees and employers., The IGDA should be a reference point for developers to explain what is and is not allowed in dealing with the day to day workings of a game development company.

9) The IGDA is supposed to be an international organisation, but it clearly is very US centric, and it needs to be able to deal with other geographic issues equally I would propose a division of its membership administration into Americas/Europe/Asia subsections which are better able to deal with geographically specific issues. This admin can be answerable to a main board.


There are many other issues I have with the IGDA, some of which I hope to explain in detail and formulate additions to this draft set of ideas. But mainly I feel that the IGDA needs to be what it says it is. An association for Game Developers.
Many people argue that the IGDA is not and never can be a union. That’s perfectly fair and true, but it can be a voice FOR developers against exploitation of developers, it can be a vehicle for change, it can set things in motion that benefit developers and their employers (who are also developers by definition). It can help to make development a fun, fair and rewarding career or it can continue to be a pointless social club where rank and status and freebees at conferences are more important than actual on the ground improvements in the conditions developers work in.


I welcome any and all comments on these proposals




*Of course, some things need to be debated in private before opinions can be formed, but executive board meetings should always be public and open, and what is said there should be available for discussion and if needed censure.

grumble

pissed off about a lot of things today, mostly by my heavy poker loss last night, only the 2nd time I've come away out of pocket with that group of keen players...45 euros down, but my god, some amazing hands, in a last desperate attempt to claw it back I went all in on a pair of 9's with an ace kicker on the final hand which everyone also went in with, giving a huge 80+euro pot....I beat 3 of the revealed hands all playing madly with high cards,, only to be beaten by a pair of queens...amazing hand ...a great way to spend an evening even with the loss.

But also quite pissed off by news that the IGDA has not yet revealed the voting results from the recent board election. That is absurd..a democratic process has been turned into a secret ballot by people who's reasons for doing this are not revealed. I have high hopes for this board, knowing some of the members as being proactive people wanting to make changes..but it seems the old guard are still hanging on there and maintaining some concept of superiority.

The are elected, therefore answerable to the members, and to not provide details of the vote which directly relates to the members wishes is beyond farce.

Before they've even started, they may have scored the biggest own goal possible by treating the members like children who don't need to know how things work.....

edit..yup an own goal...I got a response from the board chair Gordon Bellamy which confirmed that the board made the decision by consensus, not to make the results public, just let the candidates know the details and move on.....

What...The....FUCK!!!!

They made a decision, not to release the results of a democratic process...who the hell do they think they are?
Apparently there were "well thought out opinions" on why it was a good idea, that a democratic process should be kept secret, but that he was doing all he could to make things better next year.......

Absurd...I hope those people with those well reasoned opinions have had those opinions detailed and noted for the minutes, so we can make a point of booting their idiotic arses off the board 1st chance possible.

Here we are at the 1st hurdle this board has faced and it fails immediately because it knows better what should and should not be made public.

I despair..I really really do.


Ahthankyew

and I'm still cute

but my little brothers...not so much

:D
Ahthankyew

Men. Be warned

Fathers, husbands, boyfriends, sons...men... those of you who are "lucky" enough to live with members of the female persuasion.

Look in horror at what a woman can do to you!


Yup...thats my finger there, minus a big chunk of skin and soft tissue, still bleeding some 8 hours after the incident.

An incident caused by the reckless carelessness of a woman.. A WOMAN...who left her leg shaving razor in the shower.
Not content with leaving it in the shower...they left it on the shelf...even worse the left it blade up and exposed...just waiting for someones hand to grasp blindly for the shampoo, leaving behind the devastating injuries you see here m'lud.

I put it to you, that should the guilty party ever be found, they should be severely punished for not only the pain it has caused, but the quite probably lack of much practiced guitar playing at tomorrows IGAD Jam session.

Since it is impossible to determine which of the members of the female persuasion has caused this horrific injury, due to their being 2 of them in this household, both of whom deny any direct knowledge of the placement of this item or torture.. We will have to simply develop a new house rule.

NO razors in the shower.


oh and Brian does not have to do dishes for a week cos he has a poorly finger.





Ahthankyew

God Given Genius?

Well as a devout and practicing athiest I would probably say more a case of innate skills and lots of practice, but who knows...Sometimes some people are just touched by the genius stick.

I've been playing a lot of guitar recently, practicing for the next IGAD Jam (we're doing some metal..gulp) and in the process have been listening to lots of my favorite guitarist. SRV, Peter Green, Clapton, etc...Of course I get quickly snapped back to the reality I can't play even 5% of well as them. Which leads me to simpler things.

I keep coming back time and again to 2 songs, featuring the incredible Ray Lamontagne. The guitar work is actually very simple, but there's a quality in this mans playing that is just so hard to pin down

This is Burn, played Live, and sounding just like the album..His guitar playing is the exact opposite of everyone I am trying to copy, yet in its incredible simplicity it is as pure and moving as anything I've ever heard...oh, and that voice and the passion in the way he uses it.



Anyway..I can almost play this now...so quite happy...I had a go at singing it...and realized again why I haven't really sang for 30 years...its not nice, there's little chance of it ever getting a public outing..but I might work on it.

Also, this keeps getting played on youtube.


Again I now have this very simple guitar pat almost worked out..but the delicacy of his playing is so really hard to achieve, and just listen to those lyrics...wonderful.


If you don't have a Ray Lamontagne album in your collection..get one..they are all amazing and you will almost certainly buy the rest (think there are 3 now). Youtube has lots of his live tracks and fan videos of his album tracks. Go treat yourself..

Oh his duet with Damian Rice (also an amazing player who's simple style hides real feeling)on To Love Somebody, is amazing beyond words.




Ahthankyew

And now for the fun bit.

Well Jodie liked the house, so we decided on the spot to offer the asking price, which basically means the deal is done, subject to bank approval and so on.
We could have made a lower offer, but since its only just come on the market, there's little chance of them being in a negotiating mood. And we do want this house, it ticks off all our criteria boxes and we want to get in before Winter.

Its a cracking house, has 3 floors with 2 good sized bedrooms on the 2nd floor and a box room that will make a great office, also a large modern bathroom.

Lounge is typically modern Dutch, compact with connected kitchen, but being new (built in 2003) it works for us. Though we will have to update the kitchen at some point and get a proper oven sorted out.

Top floor is the most exciting, its one large open room which we're going to turn into a playroom/2nd louge guest room. It also has a bonus of a small balcony to chill out on so you get sun at both sides.

A garden and storage/work shed complete the package.

It really is just what we are looking for and I hope everything all goes to plan and we don't hit any unexpected issues.

Pics...which are straight off the estate agents site and tbh are not good...surprsingly they make the rooms seem smaller than they are, most estate agent pics exagerate size.










Ahthankyew

Found it!!!

Apartment living is cool, but of course with 3 people, it is a little tight for space, but we have incredible benefits of being close to all the amenities we need, the train, the town, work etc. So we've been very reluctant to give all that up.

But needs must,we know at some point we have to bite the bullet and buy a house and due to our age it may be the 1 and only house we buy here. We have been looking at houses on and off for the last 6 months, its been pretty dire. Houses for sale in our immediate area are incredibly expensive, or very very pokey and run down.
Fortunately there's been no great rush, which has allowed us to take our time and view lots of places and rule out those that don't work for us. Too far from station, too far from town, run down, needs work, etc.

Now though I think we've found our perfect house......Close to station (walking distance in fact from here), close to shops, close to work, modern, spacious and at a price we can afford,

The whole process of buying a house is a problem though, it is of course all Dutch to us, so we're going to get some friends to help us and see if we can put in a suitable offer and see what happens.
Oh all this is subject to Jodies approval of course, she's going to come see it with us on Thursday, hopefully to rubber stamp our choice. I think she will approve, she has been quite excited about the idea of a house she can bring friends back to rather than an apartment.
Watch this space...the next few months could get interesting... I won't post pics just now in case it jinxes things.


Ahthankyew

There really are no shortcuts

Ahthankyew

Its important, knowing you're being a prick!

Let me tell you a story…I’ll Americanize it a little so that some cultural references are understood.

When I was a child, I was a bit of a smart ass, I was the smartest kid in class though junior school, could read at a level several years older, collected facts and trivia like a sponge, could beat all comers at chess, cruised through school work and thought I knew everything. I was a big fish in a small pond. I could ponder the mysteries of existence, science, life and the universe, and actually make sense of it all before I was 11.

I didn't of course, know everything that is, I was a kid who was just a bit smarter than my class mates. But like most smart ass kids, I took great delight in showing others how smart I was, egged on a little by some proud if slightly misguided aunties who felt my superiority was actually genetic and should be trumpeted. I didn’t mix well with those I was demonstrating my smartness to, I would snear at them, ridicule them, point out their clear flaws in thinking and most tellingly dismiss any thought they had on any subject with my staggering intellect which could cut someone in half then leave them reeling with my sharp sarcasm for which there was little defense. I won many arguments, at least in my mind I won them, I was the centre of the known universe and incapable of being wrong. The pope had nothing on my levels of infallibility.

Of course this didn't make me very popular, the standard response of these kids, when beaten to an intellectual pulp by me, was to call me a prick and make fun of my strange surname, I didn't like that very much, but it proved to me that I was better than them because that was all they could manage. I didn’t need them, I was better than them so why should I care? I rose above it, like the colossus I was, unless of course I pissed off the bigger boys, when again my great intellect would be used to make use of my other skill, common among smart asses, groveling like a wimp to avoid a beating!

As I grew older, and went to high school, I mixed with other kids from much further afield, many were as smart or smarter than me, it was pretty crushing. My one claim to superiority went out the window, yeah I was still bright, but y’know its not the same being one of the crowd. I still had this huge chip on my shoulder, I couldn't help myself and would continue to be a prick to those I could still lord it over...and reveled in my resulting isolation, I cut myself off from the crowd (though my nicotine addiction mean I had to make some connections) sure that I was king of my own little world and didn’t need anyone.

Then of course, hormones, acne and dreaded teens hit, social acceptance became more important and I eventually learned a life changing lesson. If people are calling me a prick...then maybe I am a prick...A degree of self reflection was needed, and sure enough I wasn't just a prick I was the biggest prick you could imagine. I was worse than a prick, I was a selfish self obsessed wanker. This had to change…

It took a few years…and if I’m honest, even well in to my 20s I was a prick. But I managed to stop myself being a prick, just often enough that I learned the best way not to piss people off and invite the prick comment, was to stop, think about things from their viewpoint, to think…am I being a prick? That level of self reflection is very hard , but it gets easier with practice and age.

I am still capable of being a prick, and on occasions I lose that control and act like one (especially when drunk, flustered, stressed or depressed)…but I usually…usually, realize it and make amends. I don’t behave the way I did as a child anymore, because it would of course make me a prick, I’m a grown man, proving how smart I am to people I believe are not as smart as me is of course very prickish. I‘m not even sure I’m that smart any more, I mix with some incredible people whose smarts are just staggering. I don’t need to do this anymore. I prefer the honesty of interaction with people regardless of how smart they are, I am a people person who revels in learning from others and broadening my mind.
Of course I still think I know everything…I’m human after all (And the weakest link is just no challenge to me). But how I communicate that is what avoids the prick insults.

Why am I telling you this….well the point of this post, is probably lost on 99.99% of you, but some may read it and will almost certainly view it as a personal insult…but its not, its an observation.

If enough people tell you your being a prick, you probably are being a prick…and you need to develop that tiny amount of self reflection to look at yourself critically and decide, am I being a prick? If the answer is yes…fix it. If the answer is no….you're delusional and a prick…try the self reflection bit again.

Most of us are capable of being pricks, with the right stimulus, almost all of us are capable of self reflection and remorse for it..I’ve discovered though some people are not, which is sad, mad and a bit tragic really!
People like you more when you’re not a prick, people respect you more when you’re not a prick, and people develop closer bonds with you when you are not being a prick, in fact, apart from the satisfaction it gives a smart ass child who does not yet know any better, I can’t see any reason to be a prick

So…all of you…Stop being pricks.

Its not big and its not clever
Ahthankyew

How cool is this? How Black is this.

Bina bought me a cracking Simpsons shirt when she was over in England, she shipped it back in a box of goodies so I only got it yesterday...
Here it is, everyone at work thought it was funny.

oh and this is my explorer, taking all the colour out of the air, its none more black ;)



Ahthankyew

updates are few and far between sometimes

Been a fairly uneventful week this week.
I have a lot of work at home time this academic block since I'm only teaching 1 class, so spending time at home working on the course work for that has been quite therapeutic..last block was incredibly busy so its good to get a lazy block following that.

We're all starting to turn our attention to the completion of the PSP project we've been doing as a collective school project which is now pretty much done and looking excellent, we just need our design team to produce multiple levels and a few new game twists to get it all sorted.

I'm looking into doing a DS version also, which is technically a bit more awkward due to the lack of power and texture memory, as well as making the current slightly buggy PC version viable as a commercial release (perhaps even the mac). I hope we can reveal it soon, its a really smashing little game.

Of course I want to do it on Iphone/Ipad too. It probably won't make a lot of money, though NHTV will benefit from any PSP sales since its been their student input that's driven that along. But a few quid coming in from the other versions shared between the games owner and me will be nice. (might buy a guitar bwahahaha)

In home news.
Bina has got herself a role in an amdram play with an expats theater company in Dordrecht. She's really buzzing about it, and I'm looking forward to seeing her on stage..next month Dordrect, then the world!!!

I've given up on my guitar lessons...mainly because I missed a couple when I was ill, and realized I was learning more from the jam sessions and collective need to rehearse, and of course they are cheaper, I'm still practicing everyday though and there is a definite improvement, which I hope I can maintain.

Oh and we're back to taking Dutch lessons....I better get some strepsils to deal with the inevitable sore throat as I mangle the hard and soft G's of the language.


ah well...back to the joys of PC coding.







Ahthankyew

Happiness is a Guitar called Lucille

The Explorer arrived safe and sound today, very nice guitar and I will enjoy getting a bit of metal practice done on that before I sell it on. I was planning to take it to our semi monthly jam session tonight, but I didn't have a suitable bag for it's very strange shape. I will have to look into that.

So I went with Lucille, giving her her 1st time out and she was lovely played at high volume, very cool. Sadly only 1 other IGADer turned up for the Jam, we were expecting a few others but transport, sickness and other issues meant we were on our own which was a shame after so much practice performing cheesy guitar ballads. I had just about got More than A Feeling worked out and wanted to try it out with others..But in the end I spent the evening showing Ozzy (who turned up ) how do handle the 6th string mute on the root 5th powerchords...Still it was fun and I did finally nail that intro riff.

some pics.
A strangly familiar looking fat bloke in need of a haircut, with an amaizng guitar he can barely play



Ozzy's 1st Electric guitar...he's so proud :D




Ahthankyew

Bargain time

Ohhh I love ebay....I especially love ebay when people don't put full detailed descriptions of the items they are selling which causes people to pass by and ignore them.

As a result I spotted a fairly unassuming ad for a Gibson Gothic Explorer on ebay. These are the premier heavy metal guitars much favoured by Metallica and many others for that hard heavy bass driven metal rhythm sound....The price was about average for such a guitar, but what was amazing was he didn't really mention the type of pickups he'd had specially fitted.. A pair of very expensive active EMG's set up in the Zak Wylde configuration (no I know, its all gobbledeygook unless you like guitars) had he done so he would have had people chasing it big time, so I put in a modest bid for it...and won :). Got it for slightly less than a standard Explorer that age would cost and considerably less for an explorer with those p'ups

I now have a really nice 2001 Explorer with kick ass pickups. This though is something I will probably not keep for long, I'm not really a metal thrasher kinda guitar player so I'll hang on to it for a bit then resell it at a hopefully tidy profit. I already have a couple of people interested who just need time to save up...so I'll have a tinker with it to experiment then sell it on







Ahthankyew

Art can make you cry

This is amazing and all done in real time with sand, watch the audience , and it might even bring a tear or 2 to your eye..


Ahthankyew

Day 4

/Geordie accent ON

Day fooor in da Breda house.
Brian has been been slow to recover from his late night solo drinking session and is missing the company of his housemates.

After the highlights of taking t'dog ooot for its regular pee's and poos and checking t' mail box to see if anybody loves him, Brian has retreated to the bedroom to play one of his many guitars badly and louder than he would normally get away with.

Big bruvver would very much like him to stop playing his guitars badly and have him go ooot t'shop and get some milk.

/Geordie accent OFF

Can't even make this funny.....booooooorrrrrrreeeeeeed


Ahthankyew

see last post

it does...it helps a lot :D

Ahthankyew

Bored now!!!

No really... 3rd day on my own and I'm bored wittless...

Done loads of coding, had some wine, played guitar, had some wine, played games, had some vodka, done loads of reading (ipod coding), had some whiskey, listened to my ipod, had some JD&coke, shopped for food and drink, cooked, had some wine, done some modelling, had some vodka, eaten and watched telly.


sigh....might as well try drinking and see if that helps.

Ahthankyew

10,000+

I just noticed I seem to have had a sudden leap in interest in this blog, when I last looked it was 9,800 or so views...now its hit that 10,000 landmark and I didn't even notice. 10,140 in fact.


seriously....who comes here, and why? leave a comment I'd love to know what is so interesting about my ramblings?

Ahthankyew

My Inner Child

Y'know the daft bugger who does what ever it wants when there's no adults around to make it behave.

Well its been up all night programming on the Iphone and occasionally playing games.

All night!!!

I'm too bloody old to have an inner child, I need to find my inner grumpy old man who likes his cocoa and goes to bed at 10.


Anyway, been working through a book on IPhone coding and got a bit engrossed, though a lot of it still makes no sense to me, I am hopeful that it will click soon. Objective C (the language used by Apple) is very odd stuff, I kinda get it, but have spent most of my time trying to write standard C/C++ to avoid doing it. I don't think that ultimately this is productive, The Iphone OS uses ObjC so I might as well just knuckled down and get used to it......though since the point of this is to port some stuff written in C++, I probably should just do my usual, go for what works easiest approach.

Oh well, its 7.51 now..I better take the dog for a walk, then put my head down for a bit, before I start chapter 8.

Ahthankyew

PIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE

It is a sad fact, that the Dutch don't do pies.

sausage rolls, yes....apple turnovers...yes..

But Pies...no..not a chance..


So I made my own.

A delicious Steak and Ale Pie..


num num num num

I had to share it with Jodie and Bina, who enjoyed it :D

There will be more pie making now that I have the correct pie dishes ;)


Ahthankyew

oh c'mon...thats not bloody fair

So after finally getting rid of my cough...I have flu.

thanks fate...thanks a bloody bundle.

We went to see our collegue Ken play with the Breda Symphonia orchestra yesterday. It was nice to get out and listen to some live music, even classical, which is not really Bina's thing, but I like to dabble sometimes. Considering Ken has only been playing Oboe for 3 years its quite remarkable that he had his debut so soon.

The post gig party at Kens was a lot of fun and much wine and cheese was consumed, resulting in a rather drunken Beatles singalong (you really had to be drunk to put up with my oooooo's).

Good night had by all...but feeling crappy when I got up with Bina's flu from last week taking hold.

Next week is Carnival here, and I am having to have a think about a costume (its traditional to dress up while getting rat arsed pissed!!!) Ken and others are going dressed as Smurfs..........I really don't know what to think about that while sober!!!


Ahthankyew

My Kinda Porn

I now realise what a sad geek I actually am,

I prefer to watch interesting YouTube videos of WWII aircraft than use the computer for what it is actually meant for,
Its a joke between Bina and me that if I'm up late watching videos I'm obviously watching porn :D....I think she suspects though when she saw me watching this little beauty...hmmmmmm

Of course there was a purpose...I wanted to get an idea of the type of saftey strap a Boulton Paul Defiant gunner used ....hey....its sexy for me. =My current model project is a BP Defiant.


The entire collection of these videos is both technically interesting and unintentionally hilarious...especially the film about how to resist German interrogation where all the Germans are played with various accents by clearly English actors.


Ahthankyew

cough free

ish...

the new meds worked a treat.


Ahthankyew

Dammit

Cough is back again, with a vengeance, slept on sofa again last night to avoid a very pissed off Bina who was being kept awake even though I was still in the lounge.

It was getting better but a trip out into the cold air seems to have brought it all back. And I've been barking away since this morning.

Have been to the chemist for some medicine, not sure if it'll work as its neither a chesty nor ticklish cough and they don't seen to have meds for something in between those two types, but I got something different from the last lot that did nothing and we'll see how it works.



Ahthankyew