Wednesday, 15 December 2010

bahhh heeeeere's Johnny

Saturdays incident has started of a chain of events where everyone is sulking at each other and not talking or even being able to stay in the same room together. The spare room is seeing some action!

Its all crazy shit, I just don't know how to handle it..I try to make small efforts and get rebuffed, and then do the same myself.
Its all pretty childish with us defending our positions to the death, yet the consequenses are very serious, she's already talking of moving out to give us a break...I tried to say I didn't want that but she's not me, or I don't think she is, or.

I give up.

In amongst all this I am now 100% certain that the depression I suffered from waaaay back when I started this blog is well and truly back....well duh!

No doubt triggered by the cancer and building the last 6 months, but whatever the reason while I have some control of it, it needs dealing with. It won't be long before I can't deal with the other issues that are piling up on me if its not stopped.

I hover between anger and despair, with occasional fuckit, lets charge ahead, and staring into space wondering how to snap back, pondering the ever present face pain, pondering growing old age and death as a possibility of the cancer, pondering the point of it all and so gets a bit deep and frankly silly when written down (which is of course why I write it down to help me see that)'ll get worse if I don't deal with it now...I don't want to end up curled up on the floor again.
And yes it probably is part of the reason Bina and I are fighting, I just can't see the wood for the trees right now, actually the trees are a bit blurry at the moment too.
I'm functioning ok at work, more or less, but marking seems like such a chore its taking me forever to do...and it ndeeds doing or I'm going to have problems since it never goes away, it just accumulates.

Appointment made to see my doctor tomorrow, actually to meet my doctor, since despite all the recent medical stuff I never bothered to go see my GP, poor buggers probably been getting letters and updates from the hospital filling up a filing cabinit in his office and he's never even seen me. Now I'm going to go dump a load of "I think I'm going slightly mad" shit on his lap....going to be interesting.

Bina passed her 1st MBA exam with a highest possible grade, A with Distinction. I never doubted it! It would have been nice to celebrate it..but wasn't to be.

Edit, Interesting point...Quite a lot of people I know read this now...when I started it it was intended to be a cathartic process, and a way to keep family and friends uptodate...But it was largely unread and anonymous, as long as the readers were largely distant, unnamed and not sat accross from me at any time it was easy to document things, even painful personal things...

Now though its that wee bit harder, I know some of you, quite a lot of you in fact, I'm writing personal shit, detailing painful stuff and people I work, drink, play with are getting insights into my psyche I don't know that I want them to have.....
But.....somehow it needs to be done, it needs to be documented, to continue the catharsis and to give me a means of self reflection and perspective on what's going on. I hope it does not colour anyone's view of me in daily life though...



Anonymous said...

I am now really worried about you to the point that I want to write to Bina but maybe that would be the wrong thing to do. Does Bina read your blog?

Boring old Fart said...

mum, am a big boy now...47 on and money much appreciated..

I'm simply trying to document things, not asking for or indeed expecting anyone to make comment or interfere. If you do, the point of this blog is lost. I will stop recoding things for fear of people taking unwanted and unneeded actions.

Bina and I will work out our problems or not, and things will move forward, life is like that.

Anonymous said...

ok. I get your point. still worried about you but you are right, you're a big boy and the last thing you need is anybody interfering. Take care x