Saturday, 29 September 2012 old friend

Work related issues on the freelance proejct have cause a lot of late nights. Serveral bugs in the PSM SDK caused all manner of issues, one in particular turne out to be a major flaw in the Math systems for the PSM, took me days to find it, and indeed it was only my collegue Dino's instance that despite the documentation telling me the math funciton atan2 needed its paramaters x, then y, it should have been y x (this is an odd quirk of standard C libs) he was right...and a swap immediatly fixed my problem allowing me to progress towards a very late milestone.

Ironic really, since I am a proud exponant of programming solutions over maths solutions, but had been using some pretty simple maths to do a rotation translation...only to have it break and force me to seek help from a maths then find when the bug was discoveredf that my maths was working I aways knew it was...its a bit like entering 2+2 into a calulator and it says the answer is -17... you know its wrong but you entered the right vals.

Anyway, I am really relieved to have the hard shit out of the way and the last couple of days coding have been tremendous fun and lots of progress on nice polish details.

But the late nights mean I'm not sleeping so well..I plan to get back on track this weekend, with a days work, then nice evening of poker and friends and much booze...and avoid any more late sessions. Hopefully that will be the case as all the really hard work is done, now its just a case of doing gameplay an some optimisations to improve performance.

Another plus for me is, when this milestone is delivered I can invoice for all the work I've done, for which I had to register with the Dutch Tax office as a company and get a BTW number (same as VAT).

phew...but on the plus side, I will be able to make a massive dent in my credit card this month and clear it next month allowing me to sort out the mortgage transfer and cut the final ties with my ex.
An important step for me in the move forward with my life, so am going to pull out all the stops to make that happen sooner rather than later.

Better get to bed, or that days work will be a bit on the short side requireing a big day tomorrow.


Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Makes me cry

Barring a bit of radation induced girly superpowers I briefly displayed, there's only a few things in life that make me cry on cue

My Daughter being upset at something I've done.
My Daughter being happy at something I've done.

Jonny Cash's Hurt video

The opening sequence to Pixars UP

and now this

I hope the list dosen't get too big.


Now thats just not fair.

A very very very rare Gibson Little Lucille is on ebay, and for the moment at least is at a decent price..

and I'm skint having just bought a drum kit.

not fair.

Though at least I have my I guess I can wait for another.


Sunday, 23 September 2012

Bad Blogger I am

Work has been rather intense the last week, I missed an important deadline after having several major cock up with the SDK and my assets increasing is size dramatically. This meant a major re-work of code that I had 99% working and looking amazing on screen, but then had to strip back to barely seeing anything as I built a dynamic memory manager from scratch.

Its been one of the hardest tasks I've had to do on the PSM so far, not helped as usual by the lack of accurate documentation and several SDK bugs rearing their heads.But shout out to my student Mark, who is also doing PSM coding who pointed me in the direction of a couple of these issues that allowed me to keep my hair on my head when I was tempted to rip it out.

Today at last with 1 final big push I think I will have it working which represents a big hurdle cleared, and means also I can hand most of the work on this project over to the designers who can install maps into it without much input from me..assuming no more massive assets.

I'm looking forward to getting back to tinkering with things to enhance gameplay rather than this mainstream tech stuff.

Diet is on hold, not eating much at the moment as I spend all my time in front of the computer, but what I do eat is takeaway or I know its climbing up again...



the Gym is calling...

I'm not ignoring it for a bit longer.


Sunday, 16 September 2012

There is Life after...

After spending most of last week laid up with manflu it was great to feel well enough to have visitors and get out and about.

Though I went back to work for 2 classes on Friday I'm still a bit under the weather, with the usual post manflu cough and a bit chesty and run down.
But I got out and had some fun in town, catching some of Breda Barst festival and topped up my weakend and emaciated body (whaaat??) with a nice steak dinner at Gouchos. hmmmm rare Ribyeye steak......expensive but worth it.

Damn its good to be out in the world again, and catching some great music, there were a couple of bands playing I really liked but didn't really know who there were. One of the stages closing act was a Belgian band called School is Cool, they were bloody amazing, have bought the album and am going to listen to it soon.

Its great to see live bands, I don't do that rule for upcoming life...see more band!


Saturday, 15 September 2012

Spice Spice baby

With the recent diet, I've not really been cooking anythng fancy the last few months, but decided to cook a nice curry last night, after a quick trip to the Asian store in Haagweg to replace all my missing essential spices.

The shopkeeper was a little taken aback by my insistance on proper spices, when there were perfectly acceptable jars of Pataks on the shelves for his usual pasty skinned dutch customers. I like pataks, but its a bit processed for a home made curry (their madras and vindaloo's though just can't be beat for quickie curry pastes)

Did an improvised medium chicken curry, it was blinding!!! I even got some chapati four and made chapatis.. they were also nice, beautifully soft and tasty, though as usual with my chapatis, not even remotely round, I never did master that skill, but map of Australia chapatis are just as nice when dipped into lovely spicey curry sauce.

I must get back in to my cooking, as much as I do like the occasional takeaway from the Taj in town I do make a great range of curries myself..I will have to batch cook and freeze a load.

Next I will make some nice samosa's, also another fav food I've not had in a long time.


Thursday, 13 September 2012

Normal services resumed

I feel pretty rough today but my head is clear and aside from the rasping chest I've been left with it seems to have been a nice short form of flu...that or OD'ing on cold meds and orange juice and whiskey really does work.

Barring any relapses, I'll get back to work tomorrow and have a stay at home weekend to be sure.

As soon as I can get my aching bones downstairs to make some coffee and wake up a bit more, I'll get on with some coding work on my project,. fixing the damage I seem to do yesterday, and complete some class notes for work, as well as some admin the refuses to die!!


Oh Kaaay what was I thinking?

3.30am and at last the fever seems to have broken, though still feeling a bit chilled and have very very painful joints and I've been hit by a bus.
Chest is still tight and raspy and I have a nice dry cough for my pains which is keeping me awake..and a bit of a headache still ;- But I am functioning again......almost

Also am now very aware of an abolute mass of mossie bites all over my body...they must have been attracted to the heat cos I've never seen so many bites before...I am starting to look forward to the cooler weather when the little buggers die off.

Hoping a good nights sleep and some rest tomorrow will see the end of the illness...I don't want to take too much time of work as it will leave my Teaching Assistant taking 3 of my 4 classes which is hard on him

I was doing a bit of coding work today in between blinding headaches caused by the over bright screens and I have to say..I genuinely and honestly have no idea what the hell I was trying to write.
It was meant to be an additional section to a script loader for a map ediitor I'm doing that could handle object rotations and fix a bug in map size calculations....but what I wrote is fact its an insult to jibberish.

I'll cut it back tomorrow and write it properly. I really should not go near a computer when I am ill, I just hope I didn't introduce too many stupid bugs.


Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Why are you here?

If you've taken the time to come check on my current fight against the deadly male only virus known as man flu, welcome.....I'm really ill, got a serious temp, feel like my lungs have been replaced by an old mans and have the most horrible headache which makes looking at this screen bloody painful.... I had the most fitful nights sleep which even full strengh Nyquil I get from a 'merkin friend didn't manage to tame.
Fortunatly I managed to tone down the brightness of the screen long enough to compose my thoughts and post this. Aside from being ill, and a little OD'd on cold meds (incluidng scotch), I was also very very deeply distubed by something last night. Why are some people checking out this blog, in light of recent events in my life, it seems some people are taking a little too much interest in things?

If you're here to read about my thoughts on life, expecially mine, well I think you're a little strange but feel free. But mostly this is a series of posts for my mum and close family friends who have often expressed concern for me, and this shuts them up :D

If you're here to pass or make comment on the events, feelings and content of this blog... please do, there's a comment box below, I publish pretty much ever comment even if they are critical of me or what I write.

But if you are here to make sure I'm not saying something you or others might find uncomfortable or feel is giving away too much information about my life and all the things and people in it who affect my life..or if your hunting for a bit of juicy gossip.

Stop reading!
Go away!
Unsubscribe and delete the link from your explorer, Block it even.

Don't ever come back and don't ever try to prevent me from carrying out the main purpose of this blog...which is, if you care to check the intial posts, to document how "I" feel about things, to itemise the things in my life that have an impact on me and to give an honest view of how I feel about my life.

I've documented incredible highs, desperate lows, love, hate, funny and disturbing events and thoughts, always as honestly as I dare, and as personally as I am able I will continue to do so.

It matters not if you know me, it matters not if you know the people I write about, you simply do not have the right to be upset about the fact I write very personally and directly about "me", about "my" life and about the things that happen and shape "my" life

I exercise a great deal of self control normally on here when it comes to how some people or things piss me off, upset, irritate, sadden, confuse or just bloody infuriate me. I rarely burn bridges, unless I feel I really don't want to have any more contact with someone or something.  But thats my right to do so, no one elses.

If you read this blog regularly, and I know you, you may occasionally recognise yourself or others in some of the posts, even if not named or directly mentioned, if it makes you as a reader uncomfortable, ask yourself why, is it because its true?

Does my stating how you or others impact my life make you uncomfortable?
Life is sometimes uncomfortable, we learn to make it less so by reflecting on that.

Now pull up a chair, and hit the subscribe button, or make sure the door does not bang you on the arse on the way out


Tuesday, 11 September 2012


can't quite read the small print...0.1 or 0.2 ish..
yup...feeling shit, nose and eyes streaming, chest dry as a bone and totally sweating buckets
2 giant bottles of orange juice, 2 or was that 3 large whiskeys and 2 doses of beechams did nothing.

Tonight may be my last day on earth...manflu has struck and I'm on my own, my body may never be found.

Nah, some people would care enough to check on me...bring chicken soup and grapes...hmm?

Well I live in hope.

Going to mail in sick and not set the alarm, if I'm very very very lucky my last NyQuil, which I have been saving for months, the strongest cold relief known to man, might let me sleep it off....if I'm lucky.

On the plus side...I bought a footspa at the weekend, what better time to use it!!!

Jokes aside, I hate being sick, so really hope this is a 1 day/night thing and I am back to work asap. Though last time I had a cold it brought on a mother of a chest infection that needed 2 different mega inhalers to clear up....Going to stay in wrap up warm and not push things.


99.6 downs and ups

No thats not todays weight, its my temp...just checked it. Been feeling a bit rough all day but got a lot worse in the last few hours, feeling light headed and having the dryest throat and tightening chest with the most pathetic forced cough ever...and sneezing and and...

#oh shit!

man flu is about to strike..nooooo.

Have come home early to dose up on my fortunately  abundant supply of UK cold meds and some Vit C and whiskey...whiskey being the most useful of the available remedies I suspect, since its going to kick in no matter what.

I have some project and school work to do in the peace and comfort of my office so will crack on with that then have an alcohol fuelled early night and hope it does not kick in as the hours tick by.

Students are doing well but there's a couple who are struggling, I hope they take my advice and put in the work they need to do or they will get lost which would be  a shame, I hate to see students fall away, but there comes a point where I can't do much more for them and have to focus on those doing the work...we're only in week 2 though so still plenty of time before I start to worry about them.

Got some news that a friend has had a lot of their life plans fall through the toilet when an important  job offer didn't materialise, its going to make life very hard, but I hope it won't all be bad news.

It makes any petty problems I have, seem a little irrelevent. Though the pettiness of some of my problems is pretty surprising, I don't intend to let them impact on my life or how I lead my life as it is now.

Had a really great rehearsal with StarrCase last night, I had a better feel for the style and tempo of the band and it sounded pretty good at times. Looking forward to even more improvment..if the man flu does not kill me.

I bagged an ebay bargain too...I documented my gadget sale of some pedals a few months ago, including my RC3 which I felt I didn't need, but ever since I have missed the little fella, especially when the RC300 is a bit of overkill for some backing to play along to...So I bought another, on special offer from the US, fully expecting to pay duty making it only very slightly cheaper than buying here...but no, delivered with no duty to pay, 50quid saved...happy :D

hmmm 99.7 now....this could be a bad sign....

better hope the Beechams kicks in soon or bed may be earlier than expected.


Sunday, 9 September 2012

nice song...ruined

I have to play the solo with the band at some recorded it to practice


Life eh!!

I wrote this several months ago when Bina announced she was leaving...I chose not to post it at the time to avoid hassle.....interesting that I was trying to avoid hassle....The split has been amicable when all said and done but I think point that this blog is to post how I feel about things should be at the time I was pissed off....and venting a bit, but quite co-herent..I dug this up in the draft section of blogger and thought it should be posted.

I'm comfortable with how things are now, the future has new possibilities in it and I'm looking forward them...but back to the original post.....

The one sure thing about life is its uncertainty...more so when you share that life.

Now it seems I'm going to be on my own again.

My "opinion" regarding the madness of CAM is apparently the final straw. There are it seems other straws that broke the camels back, but for the life of me I can't help thinking that in every measurable way I'm not a bad bloke.

I have to say, that camel ain't got much of a backbone.

I really have spent a lot time thinking about that question the last few years, cancer really does make you evalute your life...I had some silly times as a youth, and made some bad mistakes with relationships I was not really equipped for. I've been and still am a little, impulsive, reckless and thoughtless to other people, But as I got older and "wiser" I have made a lot of changes to become the person I am today, I won't say that I've removed my faults, but I've honed them to a point where I'm happy.

There's some things I probably still should change, but thats my choice, I should choose because I want to... I don't need someone telling me I'm fat, or have bad dress sense or that I'm apparently lazy,cos I prefer to wait till there's a big pile of washing to do.. All these things are relative and on the grand scheme of basic male faults I'm pretty low down in the scale.

But I'm kinda tired of putting up with someone elses dissapointment in me...yes I'm a little overweight, but I hate gyms, (I mean I REALLY hate the whole music banging sweaty treadmill concept of them.), nope I don't run to the dishwasher still chewing my last mouthful, sorry I do leave the socks on the floor and the pants and teeshirts and the odd cup or plate on the table.


Also I'm a bit too wrapped up in my hobbies, too much of a nightbird and quite prone to sleeping late when no one wakes me, and several other basic male faults.

And that seems to be enough to end a 12 year relationship, I'm not perfect. I don't intend to try to be perfect, so I'm not.

I am what I am...and frankly I'm genuinely happy with who and what I am, which means basically if you don't want "me" then I'm not going to make promises I can't keep or change to be something else..

If I am indeed such a terrible person, I'm not seeing it?

I was raised in a house where a large obnoxious pig-ignorant dimwitted arsehole with delusions of importance due to his "rich" upbringing, was never wrong and could never be spoken back to, threw his weight around, demanded 100% attention, used violence and fear of violence routinely and had everyone in the house cowering as his intention was made clear that the universe revolved around him and our role was to make sure he was never bothered with the day to day encumbrances of relationships or fatherhood.

If raising my voice in the middle of 1 very rare arguement constitutes comparisons with that....then frankly some people are living on a different fucking planet and have no clue what real agression actually is.

I'm not going to prattle on about my faults, because whatever they are, and I am sure there are more serious personal ones but who knows since I was never consulted, the decision is made, the 3rd time such a decision has been made, without discusion or attempts to fix it. It seems Bina's cosy la la land world has to be maintained at all costs, or she walks into some other cosy lala land world where she can do her own thing and not have to worry about socks or cups or whatever.

That to me means indicates a certain lack of comittment, since in 12 years despite more than a few frustrating occasions I've never once even considered asking her to change, or be something she's not or walking out. Not once.

Seems a few socks, and cups and maybe even some smelly old trainers are enough to kill what I thought was a stable comitted relationship.. Well that's what I thought.

ok..I think thats fair enough.

time to move on.


Worst vocals ever

not even autotune can save this...but its just a work in progress, hoping I can get a proper singer to do it for me.


Friday, 7 September 2012

In a band :D

the Rolling Stones didn't return my call, so I decided to audition for the next best thing. I went to the rehearsal for StarrCase last Monday and they liked me...which was bloody brilliant cause I thought I was shit and out of my depth totally when the other guitarist didn't show and I was left to do a bunch of songs I wasn't that familiar with and people I'd never played with :D

But I did it.

And I'm in!!!/StarrCase

Expect the pictures to update soon, with me in it? Unless they latch on to the fact I was just following the keyboard player and what was written on the board....mind you, what else do I need to do? :D

Not giving up on We're Still Shit at all though, just that StarrCase have a nice set up, steady line up (though I am replacing the lead guitarist/bassist) practice regularly and gig from time to time which is something WSS may find hard to do for a while yet even with our new improved focus.

Lets hope its not to long before I get screaming groupies chasing me around and can order my rodies to turn it up to 11 for me.



Sunday, 2 September 2012


Oh there is a 3rd hell..The other night I left the bedroom window open as it was hot and sticky inside following another warm but occaionally rainy day.

I must never ever do that again.

I have a dozen weaping mosquito  lumps all over my body...itching like mad, which prompted me to buy one of those probably useless Vapona plugins to get rid of the mossies...

I don't understand why mozzies find me so appealling, surely they prefer a fat free diet but leaving the window open just screams out buffet time in mozzie speak.



90.4 Hell begins x2

Monday 3rd Sept....students start school and its time for the 1st week of lessons :D

Always a stressful time with 60 or so new 1st year student names to remember. It usually takes me a couple of weeks and several silly nicknames before I start to remember their names but I think its good to make the effort.

This years didactics course has taught me a lot of cool stuff, which I hope will become apparent as the weeks go by..I had planned to have more of my course work done in advance but I find I still can only really do an outline since I don't really know what rate they will "learn"

We're hoping this year, due to having a better selection process, that we won't have to have the more expereinced students slow themselves down a bit, waiting for the less experienced ones to catch up. Though I suspect we'll have the usual mix of geniuii and what the fuck are you doing here, students.

Also I have to get re-aquainted with my new 3rd years who will be doing console coding with me.. I don't have much to do with 2nd year students so I lose touch with them for a year..Which often means they leave me as developing novices at the end of 1st year, but come back as keen and eager in the 3rd year to show off how smart they are, often making me worry about my own skill levels.

But Console coding is different enough that they will have to stop and take stock of things...perhaps even listen to a few warnings from a crusty old veteran.

Hell 2 starts on Tuesday....I don't have an early start on its...gulp Gym you can see the weight is stopping around 90kg so need to push the weights around a bit to drop that 10kg I want to lose before the end of the year.

Better get on with my prep...also got to finish some work on my project, the map editor of which has been a nightmare to get working.....I hope the solution I came up with is solid should but we'll have to see.