Sunday, 9 September 2012

Life eh!!

I wrote this several months ago when Bina announced she was leaving...I chose not to post it at the time to avoid hassle.....interesting that I was trying to avoid hassle....The split has been amicable when all said and done but I think point that this blog is to post how I feel about things should be at the time I was pissed off....and venting a bit, but quite co-herent..I dug this up in the draft section of blogger and thought it should be posted.

I'm comfortable with how things are now, the future has new possibilities in it and I'm looking forward them...but back to the original post.....

The one sure thing about life is its uncertainty...more so when you share that life.

Now it seems I'm going to be on my own again.

My "opinion" regarding the madness of CAM is apparently the final straw. There are it seems other straws that broke the camels back, but for the life of me I can't help thinking that in every measurable way I'm not a bad bloke.

I have to say, that camel ain't got much of a backbone.

I really have spent a lot time thinking about that question the last few years, cancer really does make you evalute your life...I had some silly times as a youth, and made some bad mistakes with relationships I was not really equipped for. I've been and still am a little, impulsive, reckless and thoughtless to other people, But as I got older and "wiser" I have made a lot of changes to become the person I am today, I won't say that I've removed my faults, but I've honed them to a point where I'm happy.

There's some things I probably still should change, but thats my choice, I should choose because I want to... I don't need someone telling me I'm fat, or have bad dress sense or that I'm apparently lazy,cos I prefer to wait till there's a big pile of washing to do.. All these things are relative and on the grand scheme of basic male faults I'm pretty low down in the scale.

But I'm kinda tired of putting up with someone elses dissapointment in me...yes I'm a little overweight, but I hate gyms, (I mean I REALLY hate the whole music banging sweaty treadmill concept of them.), nope I don't run to the dishwasher still chewing my last mouthful, sorry I do leave the socks on the floor and the pants and teeshirts and the odd cup or plate on the table.


Also I'm a bit too wrapped up in my hobbies, too much of a nightbird and quite prone to sleeping late when no one wakes me, and several other basic male faults.

And that seems to be enough to end a 12 year relationship, I'm not perfect. I don't intend to try to be perfect, so I'm not.

I am what I am...and frankly I'm genuinely happy with who and what I am, which means basically if you don't want "me" then I'm not going to make promises I can't keep or change to be something else..

If I am indeed such a terrible person, I'm not seeing it?

I was raised in a house where a large obnoxious pig-ignorant dimwitted arsehole with delusions of importance due to his "rich" upbringing, was never wrong and could never be spoken back to, threw his weight around, demanded 100% attention, used violence and fear of violence routinely and had everyone in the house cowering as his intention was made clear that the universe revolved around him and our role was to make sure he was never bothered with the day to day encumbrances of relationships or fatherhood.

If raising my voice in the middle of 1 very rare arguement constitutes comparisons with that....then frankly some people are living on a different fucking planet and have no clue what real agression actually is.

I'm not going to prattle on about my faults, because whatever they are, and I am sure there are more serious personal ones but who knows since I was never consulted, the decision is made, the 3rd time such a decision has been made, without discusion or attempts to fix it. It seems Bina's cosy la la land world has to be maintained at all costs, or she walks into some other cosy lala land world where she can do her own thing and not have to worry about socks or cups or whatever.

That to me means indicates a certain lack of comittment, since in 12 years despite more than a few frustrating occasions I've never once even considered asking her to change, or be something she's not or walking out. Not once.

Seems a few socks, and cups and maybe even some smelly old trainers are enough to kill what I thought was a stable comitted relationship.. Well that's what I thought.

ok..I think thats fair enough.

time to move on.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You always were very articulate and a certain paragraph in this latest Blog struck a chord with me! Well done and well written!