Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Lowering the tone

Yes today is the day I lower the tone. Like my fellow Scotsman before me, Billy Connolly who blazed a trail on the subject so that we can all freely talk about this, the time has come to talk about jobbies...as Billy alluded to before...We Scots have a slight aversion to jobbies being left in the loo.....but let's hear Billy 1st.

Ok so after that trip down memory lane, I want to talk about Dutch loos..or more exactly loos in pubs...For some reason every pub/club/hotel I've been in in Holland has these odd little loos. Which unlike other places and indeed my own flat, have a little shelf kind of arrangement with the pool at the front the idea being that the water washes over the little shelf and your jobbies are wheecked (to coin a phrase) off to the jobbie factory for processing at a later day.

Now consider that you're sat there, minding your own business doing what you do when sat on a loo, examining the posters on the pub toilet door, waiting for that reassuring plop, that tells you job (jobbie) done, time to wipe, flush and run before the bartender asks you to buy a drink for the free use of his loo.

Fair enough, we all get that...But when using one of these Dutch loo's, there is no reassuring plop, nothing..so rather worried; you stand up and there awaiting your inspection is your poo; in its varying degree's of brownness proudly sat on the shelf awaiting the flush after inspection.

I don't get it..do the Dutch have a thing about inspecting their poo? Do they award points for colour, consistancy, length, form etc...I mean..what?? What is the point of having your poo, land on a little shelf to greet you when you stand up.

Well thats not the end of my rant dear reader..no no, there's more I'm afraid. Having not had a lot of fibre in my diet of late, my poor jobbie was somewhat lacking in the consistency dept, so I probably would lose marks for that, but it certainly made up for it in quantity and varying shades of brown.

Not being Dutch however, I took my usual Scottish approach of flushing my jobbie away.......and it wouldn't go!! It was glued to the shelf!

This was 10 times worse than a floater, this was a sticker. And there were people outside waiting to use the loo, and as Billy has explained, no Scot will admit to ownership of a jobbie in a toilet, shelf or otherwise.

The lack of a suitable brush or other prodding instrument meant I had to just keep flushing, adding a bit of bog roll from time to time to aid purchase, but to no avail. 6 flushes and 6 refills later, my unprocessed jobbie factory material, refused to go. Time for LOAD of bog roll and wait for a full tank before flushing.

At last some movement, but it still took 3 more full flushes before my jobbie mound slide away under the clear cascade. (poetic eh!)

My conclusion to this is two fold...Dutch people have an unhealthy interest in poo, and the loos are not designed for fat Scotsmen who need a bit more roughage in their diet.



Colin McNulty said...

Good god man, you should put a health warning on these posts. Good job (haha) I'd finished my lunch before reading this!

Boring old Fart said...

ha..well I did say I was lowering the tone.