Tuesday, 22 June 2010

sad today

Its been a strange day that I was looking forward to, as I was expecting to hear some good things at work over recent developments I've been ermmm developing!

But instead, today, I'm desperately sad and upset over something that I never saw coming, someone has shaken my very real and currently very raw feelings by making it clear that they regarded me in a very negative way I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined.

In any public forum there's going to be things you can't discuss, even though this is intended to be a public mind dump for me...but as other people are involved, I can't really say much, the person in question does not as far as I know even know about this blog, but I know others do. It has been dealt with privately and no one need speculate over ID's.

Right now, for all sorts of reasons I'm emotionally very fragile, I literally cry at adverts on TV, sad songs, people saying nice things, people saying sad things people just waving...and people saying things that make me sound like someone I don't recognise. Its all side effects from the surgery and dealing with having a major illness, I can logically deal with that and make excuses when I’m crying at a sad song lyric, but still…I cry a lot, I feel every emotion welling up and am totally unable to stop it…I’m bad tempered, impatient and very very emotional.

Perhaps I'd be better able to deal with this a few months ago, or in a few months’ time, but today it just screams out and I can't shake it, all the good vibes I have been getting from people and now something negative stands out. Something I can't even get my head fully around. I don't expect everyone in my life to like me, but equally I don't want or expect anyone to feel the way this person does about me and has kept under wraps for months it seems.

Since when did I give a damn about one person’s opinion? Dunno...I really don’t! Normally I would not be in the slightest bit bothered if I was accused of being a mass murdering nun raping baby eater because I’m very happy and comfortable with who I am, and believe me I’ve done a huge amount of soul searching the last few months to review what kind of person I am and how I will be remembered…yes that’s maudlin I know, but ask anyone with cancer…you think about this…a lot, it goes with the % badge.

It’s not as if I'm emotionally close to this person though I have always liked and respected them and got on well till this revelation of feelings. Now I have to try to see past this and rebuild what I thought was a friendship but perhaps was more of a toleration. Maybe it can't be rebuilt and thats also sad.

Still it hurts to hear people say things that I don't feel are true but clearly they do...Where did the seed that generated those feelings come from? Me, somewhere perhaps...a throwaway comment or a misunderstood remark? But I'm sorry I don't accept that I'm the person they see, indeed some examples of my behaviour were things I remember clearly and I saw them in a very very different way, though I now realise why they acted how they did at the time which I remember thinking was a bit “off”.

I need to try not to react badly over this even though right now I feel like I’ve been kicked in the nuts while just recovering from being on the floor after being kicked in the nuts!

Anyway.....I don't intend to discuss details, I just want to record this here so that hopefully when things are better and I'm back to being my old water off a ducks back self and this person stops taking my every word as an insult, I can look back at this and wonder where this girlie feelings emotional crap is coming from, must be too many female hormones in the apartment just now.

Oh gawd noooo...perhaps my radiation superpower is girlie feelings....arrrrghhh, I mean whaaaaa!!


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