Saturday, 19 July 2008

Lost and Found

My love life is a mess..Its been an absolute shambles most of my life. A divorce and a failed long term relationship figure highly in the cock up columns of my life. (But a beautiful daughter is there, in the makes life worth living column)

My marriage and divorce was a bad time in particular, but after that I met an incredible woman, an amazing woman, a supporting, understanding, funny, beautiful woman, and she made great curry. We became friends, lovers and in time I moved in and we became partners.
After any nasty divorce you are scared to commit to people and it took me a long time to commit to this incredible woman who offered so much and asked so little in return, but in time I started to realise this was genuine, unconditional love. I started to see the 2 of us as old farts in deck chairs watching the sun go down. I found the ability to trust and be comfortable with someone who was the perfect partner.


A year back, my long term partner and I split, it was a pretty devastating, she asked me to go, I didn’t have the emotional strength to fight, so I left. I decided to push on with work and forget my new ex.
I tried dating again but it wasn’t really working. Fat, Scottish blokes in their 40’s with wind problems and smart arsed, sarcastic senses of humour are not especially good catches, and women of that age with or without wind issues tend to want husbands and long term commitment, something I just didn’t see as being possible any more, and I’d pretty much decided that I’d be better off on my own.

Then something unexpected happened, I got pissed…not just a wee bit pissed, no I got rat arsed sodden, probably going to wet my bed, pissed…And taking on some advice from my depression councillor to answer the unresolved questions in my life, I wrote an email, I wrote a long rambling email to my ex, and I asked her, why did she dump me?

And she told me, but I have to say, I thought her reasons were rubbish and it was clear that we’d parted for the wrong reasons, my problems with depression and work, had really prevented us from discussing what had caused us to drift apart. I told her in a series of ever more pissed emails (no bed wetting though thankfully) how I’d felt about her, how it broke my heart that she’d asked me to go and how hopeless I was without her.

We started to talk, she made an effort to find out where I was living, even though I never told her, she turned up at my door and left me in shock that she'd made an effort to find me. We realised our feelings were still strong and that despite the fact in our time apart, we’ve moved on in our lives and our circumstances have changed so much that we can’t live together again for the time being. We have decided to see how we can re-kindle our relationship

Her name is Bina, she just read my blog and wanted to know why I’d not mentioned her. Now I have.


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