Tuesday, 8 July 2008


After nearly 30 years of messing about with computers and fond memories of playing MUD on the old Janet network, I've finally decided to give this blog thing a go. Good eh? Now...what do I put in here.

I suppose I should start with a quick hello to anyone reading this...anyone?? hello?

Well anyway.. A little bit about me. I'm trying to decide if I should keep this anonymous or come out of the closet so to speak………hmmm I’ve always found its easier to be myself, so hello I’m Brian Beuken, I’m a computer games developer currently living in Bradford in the UK.

I'm not sure exactly what form this blog will take, probably a bit of a brain dump when I can remember to post something, but I'll try to remember and put some interesting techie stuff in as well as my occasional famous rants about...ermmm stuff that I rant about.

I’ll fill in the profile stuff later but for now a few details….

I’m 44, which is positively ancient in my industry, hence the nickname. I’m divorced and separated but seeing someone...its complicated! But we’ll get into that in more detail when I get to know you all a little better as there are developments in the offing.

I’ve been a computer games programmer for 27 years or there abouts. I have written nearly 60 games on different machines in that time and these days I’m doing mostly small freelance projects on the DS.

Generally speaking I’m not allowed to talk too much about the projects I work on when they are being completed, but as long as I don’t give too many details I might as well talk about my work a little in some of these posts.

So why the blog after all these years, go get a cuppa ready…this may take a while.

Well several months ago I got ill, not in the traditional way, I sunk into a very deep depression following a load of bad crap that most people get in their lives… in my case though it just all seemed to hit at once, problems with a work project, problems with life, problems with my health, problems with relationships, problems with ….basically everything. If you can imagine your life going into free fall in the space of a few weeks..that was me!

I think its important to get these things out sometimes so I’m not afraid to say that while it was probably one of the worst periods in my life it was also eventually one of the most energizing…because I got some help which helped me to see that most of my problems were my own making, and this encouraged me to made some radical decisions about my life and ways to make changes.

While I was getting help it became clear that I'd actually been coping with depression for several years and though I'd sorta known I had it, I'd ignored it and pushed through by sheer will power or immersing myself in work and other interests.

Computer programmers seem to be especially prone to depression, perhaps it’s the level of mental internalization we do when we work, certainly the lack of socializing when you work for yourself is not great, whatever it is its not good for you, and there comes a time when will power and work simply won't mask it anymore and you end up a crumpled mess unable to function beyond the most basic tasks. Thats when you need to wake up and smell the coffee as they say.

I’ve spoken to many of my friends and colleagues recently who’ve all admitted they’ve gone through similar and worryingly in some cases more severe depressions.

Since getting some help, and some nice happy pills for a few months to make things seem less pointless, life has improved dramatically. Karma is working in my favour again. My work project sadly fell as a casualty, but other aspects of life are picking up, and I’ll fill you in on these as we go.

The blog is here to let me look back on things as I move forward with a new attitude to life, the universe and everything. There’s an very exciting new job on the horizon and a huge huge life change which will involve moving to Holland, so with all these new changes a new blog seemed like a good idea. I’ll explain more about this later as some of the details are still a little sketchy and I want to get everything understood before I report on it all.

So the point of today’s post aside from laying down the foundations…if you have depression, get it sorted! There’s really no need to feel that bad and there is a way to make things better..


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